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October 2007

Back to our regularly scheduled program...

Okay, folks. Here it is again...back by popular demand... TEN HAPPY THINGS! Ta-daaaaah! Truthfully, I'm amazed at how many complaints I got for the list's absence last month. I just didn't have it in me. Stupid as this may be, there really is a big part of me that lives and dies with baseball and being that Jon Stewart and I had our hearts ripped out and eaten in front of us at September's month-end, I just couldn't drag ten happy things out of me. "The New York Mets. Motherfuckers." Anyway, enough of that. Here we go....

10. My birthday is this coming Saturday. I'll be 31. I think I have to type that again just so I believe it. I'll be 31. Sweet Chocolate Christ. I don't know if I'm ready to mentally process that yet. Normally, I'm not a big fan of my birthday. I prefer to spend it in bed with the covers over my head waiting for the whole affair to pass like a bad spell of nausea. However, the past couple of years, I've been trying to do the whole lemonade thing. You know, make the best of it... This year, however, I'm rather looking forward to it. There are two reasons for this uncharacteristic change of perspective. You'll find them as additional items to this list because, frankly, they're both awesome enough to warrant thier own item numbers.

9. Reason Number One... My parents are giving me the phenominal gift of being out of town on my birthday at some culinary conference thing in New York. This makes it nearly impossible for my mother to fight with me on my birthday, which is truly a rare occurrence. Come to think of it, this will make it three years in a row with no arguments. That's flipping fantastic! She's fought me with on more birthdays than not. She didn't fight with me on my 29th...but even if she did, I don't think I would have noticed as I was totally immersed in meeting Mike Piazza heaven. She didn't fight with me on my 30th either. I'm not sure why...but she didn't and I was grateful. She's not even in the state this year so I think it's fair to say that I'm in the clear. Ab-fab.

8. Reasong Number Two... I'm seeing Dane Cook on my birthday. Not for my birthday. ON my birthday. This brings me tremendous glee. I even sent the fool an email thanking him for coming to Chicago on that specific day. I was at the Genesis concert at the United Center with my little brother when he noticed the show announcement on the big sign outside. He was like "hey! Dane Cook is coming!" I looked over and saw the little "November 3rd" spelled out in flashy lights and a profound sense of having something fun to do on my birthday washed over me. My birthday and I don't even have to be the focus. I don't have to entertain anyone. God bless Dane Cook.

7. Speaking of the Genesis concert... What a friggin show! My brother, Dominic was my date. He's 12. He shouldn't even know who Genesis is...but he really wanted to go. He practically begged. So, we went. And it was great! We were easily among the youngest people there, but that was fine because it meant that we actually got to SIT through most of the show. A concert full of young people means that as soon as the notes hit the air, everyone stands up. This drives me nuts. I don't want to stand for three hours. I'll get up here and there but I'd really rather sit and relax and enjoy the show. Genesis was that way. There were also a lot of really cool percussion features. For someone who has percussed herself, this was mondo cool. But that wasn't even the highlight. My favorite Genesis song of all time is from the Peter Gabriel era. Being that Peter Gabriel was not on the tour, I didn't think I had a shot in hell of hearing this song. I mean, Phil Collins is good and all...but I didn't think he could pull this song off vocally. So, you know, we get through the whole show (which was three hours long with no opening act. Awesome!) and now we're on the encore. They play one song...and then another...and then Phil launches into this little speech about how thier final song really sums things up for them and blah, blah, blah and then the first little snippet of keyboards hit my eardrums and I nearly ripped Dominic's arm out of its socket with estatic shock. They played it! I couldn't believe it. The whole way home, I kept looking at Dominic and saying "I can't believe they friggin' played it!" And it was good! I mean, Phil Collins really pulled it off. It was something else. I don't think I'll ever get such an opportunity again because, like the Police, I don't think this tour is happening again. It was a once in a lifetime thing and they played my favorite song that I didn't think they'd play. Yeah. That rocks.

6. Halloween is Wednesday. Halloween is my favorite holiday, by far. The cool thing about this Halloween is that I will have Trick-or-Treaters. This is a big deal for me. I LOOOOVE the Trick-or-Treaters. When I lived at home, we didn't really get any because my parents' house is on this little hidden street that no kids live on and most people can't find with a map. I never got them when I lived in my apartment either. Apartments never seem to get Trick-or-Treaters. This year, however, I live in a house in a neighborhood that has, like, a zillion kids. I've decorated my house. I've purchased like 80 billion pounds of candy. I have a costume I'll be wearing to answer the door. I've got scary movies to put on. I've even taken the day off of work so I can be fully prepared for the start of the doorbell ringing at 1 pm. I'm really psyched about this. Can you tell?

5. I have decided that I am going to get an iPhone. I am normally very anti-Apple. I hate Apple and everything they stand for. Elistest bastards. But, because I purchased an Mac G5 a few years ago as an engagement gift (I felt guilty that my fiancee had to pony up all this dough for a ring and all he got out of the deal was me...so I got him an engagement computer to offset my guilt), Apple sent me this DVD all about the new iPhone. So, I was bored. I watched the DVD. Holy shit. The damn thing is like an orgasm encased in plastic. I mean, it's really friggin cool. It's just ridiculous. I have to have one. I already have AT&T so I'm halfway there. It's going to be my Christmas present to me. To counter the fact that it's a product made by those elitest bastards, Apple, I've decided to call the device my MerPhone. I am Mer and it's the iPhone.....voila! MerPhone!

4. Summer has thankfully left us. It's g-o-n-e gone! I could not be more pleased. It's genuinely chilly outside. Chilly enough that I need a jacket in the morning. You know what this means... Snow is just around the corner! I can almost taste it.

3. I have procured two pumpkins and tonight, I shall carve them. I've already planned one of them out. What the other will be, I'm not sure yet...but the first will be a Harry Potter pumpkin because, you know, I'm obsessed. Yes, I know. Dork. Take solace in the fact that my Halloween costume is in no way Harry Potter related. I've got to stem the flow somewhere...

2. My office does this confidence football pool thing. I'm proud to say that I don't suck at this. I thought that I'd suck at this but I totally don't. I did the first two weeks...but I got over it. I've won once. I've finished near the top most other weeks. This week, providing the Packers win tonight, I think I'll finish in second. Kim will win for the second time, which is kind of infuriating because she picks by favorite colors or some other similarly stupid way. She's Kim. It's just what she does. We love her for it. I love when I don't suck at sports related things. I love sports dearly but I'm not all that athletically inclined. I mean, I'm not a total disaster...but I'm no Serena Williams. I used to be able to pitch a pretty decent softball and I played raquetball for years before I destroyed my knees. To be honest, I was not terribly good at raquetball...but I tried really hard. I usually hit myself with my raquet more than the ball, but at least I was out there! Plus, you know, I danced for years and did marching band and spun the flag and did poms and kickline and all that jazz. I rode a skateboard. I was a twirler at one point. So, I'm not a total loss...but, you know, don't expect to see me as an Olympic qualifier or anything. I make up for a lack of athletic talent by knowing a lot about baseball and tennis and curling and by not sucking at the football pool. Go me.

1.  I saved the best for last...or first, depending on how you look at it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Boston Red Sox! Oh yeah. That's right. Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. After a brilliant comeback from being down 3 games to 1 in the Amercian League Championship Series versus the Cleveland Indians, Boston completed a four-game sweep of the Colorado Rockies last night to take thier second World Series win in four years. To be entirely honest, it's not quite as sweet as thier 2004 win (that one is untouchable, not only because it was thier first in 86 years, but also because it broke the curse and involved entirely embarrassing the Yankees) and it doesn't take all of the sting out of what the Mets did but it's still pretty fucking great. Look at my little Baseball Mistress all growed up and winning championships! It brings such a sense of calm and wonder and contentment. ;-) This is God's gift to me for enduring year after year after year of swallowing the bitter disappointment of being a Met fan, especially this year. I'm sure you Cub fans understand. I recommend all of you fans of perpetually losing teams do what I did and get yourself a second team, preferably in the other league than your first team plays in. You can dab the wounds of your first team's disappointment with the salve of your second team's success. I've been a Red Sox fan for about 20 years and even when they suck or when they disappoint, they at least provide me the joy of having an environment in which I can despise the Yankees with unmitigated gusto. Today, I sit in Red Sox heaven watching elatedly as the Yankees slowly step on thier own dicks and unravel for all of baseball to see. Sweet Caroline, bah bah bah!!!!!

There you have it. Back with renewed vim and vigor, Mer's Ten Happy Things. Go now and spread peace about the land.

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