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November 2008

"But do I dazzle you?" "Frequently"

I'm posting this a bit early this month because it's a short week this week with the holiday and I'm done with the list anyway so I might as well post it.

November has come and November has gone and here we are at the onset of yet another list of Happy Things.  *Sigh*  It just gives you a complete kind of feeling, doesn't it?  Indeed.  November was a rather good month, which is odd because November is usually the onset of a pretty hellish time for me.  At least, it has been historically.  Nevertheless, November was good.  I actually had such difficulty narrowing things down to ten this month that I'm making an exception and listing eleven things this time.  Eleven Happy Things.  Since November is also my birthday month, I'm pulling the birthday card and saying I can have eleven items in Ten Happy Things.  I don't care if you don't like it.  I've never been much good at math anyway. 

I'm going to preclude the list with a public service announcement of sorts.  I'm sure there are going to be comments made in the list here and there that 99.9% of the nation will find utterly disagreeable.  My thoughts on the election, and the weather, and the best golfer in the universe, and East Coast sports teams, and Starbucks products.  I'm openly admitting to this.  I know I'm in the minority on a lot of these things.  Here's the deal…shut up.  Seriously.  I don't want to hear it.  None of this is news.  My love for cold, and East Coast teams, and the GOP, and geeky things, and Sergio, and eggnog (or, preferably, Sergio covered in eggnog but let's not get carried away) is long-standing.  No one should be shocked by any of this by now.  So don't give me any grief about it.  I'm not hurting or insulting or disrespecting anyone and I'm certainly not asking you to agree……..so save the grief for Rex Grossman's funeral.  :-)

So, here we go without further commentary about the ensuing commentary…

11.  The fucking election is over.  It's OVER.  Thank almighty God.  I've never been so happy to see history fly right past me.  Good grief.  Mind you, I wasn't overjoyed with the results.  Actually, I sat on my couch on election night and had a good cry over it.  (Shut up.  Really.  I mean it.)  Regardless, it came and went and now it's over and I don't have to hear about it anymore.  I can turn on the news and open a periodical again without being bombarded with election coverage.  I don't really get any kind of Obama reprieve, especially living in the Chicagoland area….but that's cool.  He's alright.  I think he'll do a fine job.  Really, at this point, I don't even care if he does or not.  I'm just happy to be past the damn campaigning.  Once he gets sworn in, I'll start caring about job performance again.  Right now, I'm just enjoying the lull. 

10.  Ladies and Gents….winter has ARRIVED!!!!!  H to the E to the L to the L, YES!  I hate the blasted summer.  And the spring.  And the part of the fall that's not right before winter.  Just give me winter.  Just give me ice and snow and wind chills.  Give me flurries.  Give me terrible, biting cold.  You know how people always talk about the spring when things come to life and then the summer when everything is all lush and green?  Yeah, well, in my world that's all a bunch of shit.  In Merland, everything is happy and alive with the cold and the snow.  I'm a miserable bitch in the summer.  In winter, however, the colder it gets, the better my mood is.  Again, shut up.  Seriously.  I don't want to hear it. 

9.  Just so you know, Dustin Pedroia is the American League MVP.  He totally is.  He's an angry little man and he's the American League MVP.  I fucking love it.

8.  Okay, so, you've heard me say before that I didn't grow up with lots of girlfriends.  I've historically had many more friends of the male persuasion than otherwise.  But now I have girlfriends.  There's this little group of us….four chicks who have known each other since birth or whatever and then me.  I'm the Fifth.  There is some discrepancy as to who the First is.  I hold that it's Andrea, especially considering that she's the one who brought me into the mix so I'm loyal to my maker.  That's just how it is.  Anyway…I'm the Fifth and I've been hanging out as the caboose for a while now.  I am happy to announce that I am no longer the caboose.  We have initiated a Sixth.  The Sixth is hilarious.  She's, like, off the hook.  She calls her husband "Chumley" despite the fact that his name is Chad.  She does cartwheels.  She leaves all manner of things at my house.  She's had like 18 children but is still like a size zero.  She's really brown, although I don't think it's naturally occurring.  She's fucking great.  In reality, she reminds me a lot of Joeie, who is off being awesome in the afterlife.  She's the kind of chick who I really wish I could have introduced to Joeie because the two of them together could have caused some major destruction.  It's awesome.

7.  The Eggnog Latte has returned to Starbucks.  As usual, it is poised to become a fixture in my life until the evil Starbucks gods take it away.  There is no beverage on earth more exquisitely heavenly than a well-brewed, well-mixed Eggnog Latte. When they're around, I usually drink one every work day…and every day, when I take that inaugural sip, my eyes roll around in my head with an orgasmic flair that clearly indicates to anyone happening to look at me that I'm in a moment of heaven.  God bless the Eggnog Latte.

6.  So.  So, so, so, so, so.  The Jets are in first place.  They're, like, TOTALLY in first place.  They have Brett Farve and they beat the stupid Patriots and now they're in first place.  I'm going to say it again just so we can all be a part of it.  The Jets.  Have Brett Farve.  Have beaten the Patriots.  Are in first place.  They won first place by beating the Patriots on Thursday Night Football.  Just to annoy the piss out of everyone in my office (save Dan the Cheesehead who really likes Farve), I wore my number 4 green Jets jersey on Friday.  It really pissed Frank off.  He looked at me and went "oh for Christ's sakes!"  I told him to kiss my ass.  He didn't listen.  Ha!   It gets even better though.  The Jets have also disrupted the Titans' little undefeated run.  They're now 10 and 1….and who put that 1 there?  The Jets did, that's who.  Damn you and your undefeatedness.  Farve takes your undefeated ass and kicks it!  Haha!

5.  Before I start discussing number five, I want you all to remain calm.  I'm perfectly fine.  There's no reason to get upset.  Okay?  Okay.  Moving on.  I'm totally not dead.  Let me explain.  I was sitting at home by myself on a Saturday munching on a sandwich.  I was watching some tennis and munching the sandwich and just chewing along my merry little lunch way.  Without notice, a piece of said sandwich became like cement in my windpipe and tried to kill me.  No joke.  I was totally choking.  Like, no breath getting in, no breath getting out, holy fuck I'm dying here choking.  I tried pounding on my chest.  No dice.  Then I tried giving myself the Heimlich.  Again, no dice.  By this time, I was on my way down.  I mean, like, really.  I had the white lights popping in front of my eyes signaling an impending pass out and everything.  In a fit of desperation, I stumbled into the kitchen, grabbed onto the sink, and hurled myself against the kitchen counter.  On the third lunge, the offending sandwich flew out of my throat and into the sink and proper airflow was restored.  It was really scary.  I have all these bruises on the front of me evidencing my attempts to not die.  I'm profoundly happy that the kitchen counter approach worked because, really, I was choking and the stupid dogs and stupid cats that live in my house were doing nothing to help.  Sammy didn't even wake up.  He snored through the whole fiasco.  Riley picked his head up and looked at me like "could you keep it down?  I'm napping here."  The cats were nowhere to be seen.  Fucking freeloaders.  But I didn't die…so that's happy.

4.  I totally saw the Twilight movie.  On opening night, I crammed myself into a movie theater with about seven billion teenaged girls and saw one of my new favorite books come to life.  I don't care what the reviewers have to say (as if their opinions should matter so much more than everyone else's….I hate movie reviewers), I thought the movie was great.  The casting was good, the story was good, the cinematography was good.  Frankly, I don't know how one could have screwed the cinematography up.  The setting was so beautiful, it made me want to move to Washington.  The two kids they got to play the two lead characters were just spot on.  SPOT on.  I could have done with a little more Alice in the movie (she's my favorite character) and I think I would have enjoyed the experience more had the theater not been filled with stupid girls who insisted on giggling and laughing and screaming at completely inappropriate moments……but I still friggin loved it.  It had all the right sigh moments and melt moments and jump-out-of-your-seat moments.  Based on the kick ass opening weekend the movie had, the studio has already announced the sequel.  YES!  Just what we all need in our lives….a little more Edward Cullen.  Twilight also graced us with a new Harry Potter preview which sent goosebumps up and down my spine.  So, you know, I had that going for me. 

Just as side note, don't you think it's funny that I find the Twilight movie to be a higher ranked Happy Thing than not dying?  Moreso, don't you find it funny that I find ANYTHING to be a higher ranked Happy Thing than not dying?  I just kind of noticed this while proofreading and got a good giggle out of it.  I'm sure you'll get a good giggle out of it too once you read the other three things that rank higher than not dying.  I'm not changing the order though because I accept the dork that I am.

3.  American golf is on hiatus.  The new season starts in the spring or some shit.  I don't really know the exact date.  Right now, I don't really care.  The European Tour is chugging along its merry way on the Race to Dubai.  The Race to Dubai is kind of like the PGA's FedEx Cup bullshit but not.  The first stop was the HSBC Championship in Shanghai, China.  The Golf Channel was airing coverage at really oddball times because of the time difference.  Thank God for Tivo.  And who was the big winner, folks?  Come on, say it with me.  Sergio was the big winner.  In a playoff.  Over this goofy British dude, Oliver Wilson.  Sergio totally won.  It was a double win for me because not only did Sergio win….but he also got a haircut.  He's been wearing his hair all long and shit and he's been looking like an ass.  But he got a haircut and now he looks perfect again.  And he won.  He was all like "look at me in my silly black Adidas outfit with white stripes in totally uncalled for places winning this Chinese shit!"  Plus, he was there with Morgan-Leigh, his ex-girlfriend who's now his girlfriend again who is actually a really nice, smart, classy girl compared to the bimbos he's usually attached to.  He should just marry her already.  He plays best when he's with her.  It's like banging an Australian chick gives him super golf powers or something.  I think it helps that she's Greg Norman's daughter but whatever.  I don't care what the reason is.  Sergio wins and I dance around with joy and all is right in the world.  

As a side note, Ian Poulter was also playing in this tournament and while he played pretty damn poorly and had his woobie driver stolen in the process, he pulled off this really oddball shot that not only defied the laws of physics but also made me laugh my ass off.  He hit the ball forward and it went straight up in the air in an arc and landed like ten feet behind him.  It was like a boomerang effect.  It was so queer.

 2.  There is a Happy Thing that has grown out of the previous Happy Thing.  Okay, so, Sergio won, right?  Right.  In winning, he earned himself a bunch of points that determine the world rankings.  Twelve months ago, Sergio was number eleven.  Where is Sergio now?  Number two.  TWO!  Okay, here's the thing.  Tiger is number one.  The friggin guy hasn't played since June and he's still number one.  He's like some kind of freak of nature.  He could die and it would take like three years for someone to overtake his spot at number one.  When it comes to professional golf, there is Tiger and then there is everyone else.  Tiger is the best there's ever been, I think.  He's not really human.  He's like some kind of alien golf god from the planet Fairway.  He's, like, ridiculous.  Anyway, I say all that to say this:  Tiger is number one but he's on his own list because there's Tiger and then there's everyone else.  So…if Sergio is number two, that makes him number one amongst the everyone elses.  Tiger is the number one golf gold from the planet Fairway and Sergio is the number one human golfer in the world.  I like that.  You know what's cool though?  I was kind of hoping that Tiger being out all this time would mean that Sergio would FINALLY win a damn major.  No such luck.  But I'm glad.  Why?  Because with Tiger back on the course, it means that no one will put any kind of asterisk next to Sergio's name when he does win his first major.  No one will say "he only won because Tiger's not playing."  It's bullshit.  It's like saying that all of Jack's titles don't mean anything because Tiger wasn't playing.  But that's what they'll say if Sergio wins one without Tiger in the field.  They didn't say it about Padraig Harrington but whatever.  If Sergio ever makes it to number one on his own merit with a healthy Tiger in the field for the whole season, I think I'll die.  Until then, though, I'm beyond tickled to say that Sergio is the number one human golfer in the world.  :-)

1.  I got the BEST t-shirt in the whole universe as a birthday gift this year.  To better understand why this particular t-shirt is the best in the whole universe, allow me to lay a little groundwork for you.  I am old enough to remember the days when Sesame Street was really good.  I turn on Sesame Street now and I'm not at all mystified by the fact that kids seem generally dumber today than they did 20 or 30 years ago.  Sesame Street sucks now.  It's a non-stop cacophony of Elmo (who I firmly believe is a sign of the impending anti-Christ), excessive political correctness, and the ultimate of all sins regarding communicating to children in my book – talking to them like they're little idiots.  In my childhood days, Sesame Street was not only hilarious, it was smart.  No one on the show, human or Muppet, ever spoke to a child like they were an idiot.  NEVER.  You turn on Sesame Street now and not only is everyone treating the resident youth like they're a bunch of morons, but you're absolutely lambasted with this annoying little red Muppet who himself talks like a complete and utter idiot.  "Elmo says this" and "Elmo thinks that".  Okay, stop.  The show is supposed to educate children, not implant or enforce the idea that speaking about yourself in the third person is acceptable.  But nevermind that.  I got stuck on a tangent.  ANYWAY…Sesame Street used to be funny and smart.  Evidence of this can be seen in the fact that adults can still watch snippets of the old Sesame Street and completely lose it laughing.  As it is with just about everything, I have a top five favorite Sesame Street moments.  Number one is, and will always be, the moment when Ernie removed Bert's nose and stuck it on a noseless clay sculpture of Bert.  There is seriously nothing that ever happened on Sesame Street that was greater than that moment….for me, anyway.  The sight of it threw me into hysterics when I was six and can still throw me into hysterics at 32.  The second and third best items, however, tend to bounce back and forth with each other depending on my mood.  One of them is the whole skit where the Yip-Yip Martians come down to earth and encounter a telephone for the first time (a rotary phone no less!), branding it a cow, then a cat, then a chicken before figuring the whole thing out.  A masterpiece in children's television.  The other is this:

Okay, there are just so many things going on here that are too hilarious for words.  I mean, Bip Bipadotta coming out of nowhere and messing up the works and the bald guys' complete shock and outrage at his outbursts, the fact that the bald guys are wearing turtle necks that have the necks but not the corresponding shirts, the ridiculous things coming out of Bip's mouth during his parts of the song, Bip's hair….the whole thing.  The absolute funniest thing to me, though, is the face the blue bald guy makes trying to stave off Bip's third entry.  He's, like, clenching his face or something.  It's the funniest part of the whole skit.  It just absolutely slays me. 

Okay, now that you've gotten all that, I can get back to the shirt.  I don't know how this shirt was located or who manufactured it or what but I was blessed enough to receive this shirt for my 32nd birthday:


Okay, not only is this just cool as hell because it's a retro Sesame Street shirt but look at the blue dude's face!  He's actually MAKING the damn face on the shirt that completely cracks me up in the skit!  If I could wear this shirt every day, I would.  When I opened the gift and saw the shirt, I immediately removed the shirt I had on and put this one on instead.  It's the BEST T-SHIRT EVER.  When I have it on, every time I look down at the image, I laugh.  Who wouldn't laugh?

I'd like to see Bip Bipadotta and the blue bald guy tag team and take on Elmo. That would be some shit…  Fucking Elmo.  I swear, Jim Henson is rolling over in his grave knowing that Elmo above all other Muppets has completely taken over and completely ruined the wonderful thing that was Sesame Street.

So, there's the Eleven Happy Things.  Next month, I'm sure I'll be back down to Ten Happy Things…but don't let that deter you or anything.  And just remember, a fat cat sat on a hat, saw a rat on the mat, got a bat, had a chat with a gnat that he'd pat in a vat that was flat, oh yeah!

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