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July 2008

"And...it's in the hole!"

It's.  Too.  Damn.  Hot.  I mean, really.  Who the hell invented hot weather?  They should be shot.  Not fatally….just in the foot or something.  I try to keep in mind that the soldiers in the Middle East are carrying around 100 pounds of gear in way hotter weather than we have in Chicago.  Doesn't make me feel any cooler.  Just puts things in perspective. 

Boy, that was a downer.  Don't know where that one came from…
Anyway, in the true spirit of Ten Happy Things, which was devised to remind me that there are things to be happy about even when I'm miserable with summer, here is July's Ten Happy Things:

Wait…before I begin, I'm just going to get this out of the way.  These lists tend to be very sports-centric.  Every month, there's a whole host of Happy Things that have something or other to do with sports…and I always apologize for that.  I'm not sure why I apologize but I've decided that I'm not going to apologize anymore.  The lists will continue to have a lot of sports stuff on them because, frankly, I friggin LOVE sports.  I will ramble on and on about baseball, and tennis, and golf, and whatever other sport is tickling my pickle at the current time.  I'm not sorry for it.  Also, this list will include a brief discussion on Brett Farve.  I know his name is spelled 'Favre'.  I don't care.  I spell it Farve because that's the damn way it's supposed to be spelled.  Either say it how it's spelled or spell it like it's said.  That's my position.  I don't want any nasty letters about "it's F-A-V-R-E, not F-A-R-V-E".  I know how it's spelled.  I'm spelling it my way.  It's my damn blog.

Okay, NOW here's July's Ten Happy Things:

10.  This baseball season is proving to be a nail biter.  Both Divisions that I'm concerned with are very tight with both my favorite teams going back and forth between first and second places almost daily.  The Mets are up and then they're not and then they are again.  Same for the Red Sox.  This makes life very exciting in the Mer-iverse.  I'll openly admit, baseball is a pretty boring sport most of the time.  But when it's tight like this, and every play really counts, it adds a lot to the whole thing.  There is nothing better than coming home from work and venting all my frustrations out by yelling at my awesome TV over something to do with the baseball game, either in glee or frustration.  I love baseball.   

9.  I mentioned last month that my friend, Nikki, got engaged.  Again, yay Nikki!  So, a while ago, Miss Nikki shows up at my house with her mom and her niece and asks me to stand up in her wedding.  This kind of knocked me on my ass.  I didn't in a million years suppose that Nik would ask me to stand up in her wedding.  I was very touched by the gesture.  I cried like a big dork for like 20 minutes after she left my house.  I'm all like "awwwww" about it.  Plus, I know it's early on and all, but Nikki has so far not been a bride from hell, which is a bonus.  Any bride that's not a total hard ass about different suggestions and such is a good thing.  And she's not going to make me wear anything ugly, which is also a good thing.  I think in the flurry and romance of getting married, a lot brides forget that their maids don't want to look atrocious.  They're so clouded by love and happiness and giddiness that they lose all sense of style.  They look at ensembles that they'd usually go "oh, good lord" at and think "oh, how lovely!"  Then, they make every woman closest to them wear something they wouldn't be caught dead in otherwise.  Nikki, thanks be to God, is not one of those brides.

8.  I love my pool.  That's really all I need to say.  I love my pool.

7.  My favorite sport in the summer Olympics, like most of the modern world, is Gymnastics.  I keep tabs on it throughout the four-year span between Olympics so that I know what's going on when the Games roll around.  Before the Athens games four years ago, there was this dude named Raj Bhavsar who was vying for a spot on the Olympic team.  This dude is like the Little Engine that Could.  He's really good but catches the worst breaks in the trials.  Last Olympics, he was an alternate, missing the team by a fraction of a point.  This year…same thing.  Poor guy.  I watched all the trials and was REALLY pulling for Raj to make the team this time.  Alas, no dice.  He was made one of the alternates again.  Right, so, moving on.  Paul Hamm, who won the all-around gold in Athens four years ago, made the team this year without having competed in much of anything this year, including the trials, because of a broken hand.  He's that good.  This dude is like the god of men's gymnastics this century.  He and his twin brother Morgan, who is also on the team, are like the idiot savants of men's gymnastics.  It's like they're made out of rubber and springs.  It's something to see.  The Olympics are a week away.  Paul Hamm, unfortunately, had to withdraw from the team this week because his hand isn't well enough to compete at his full potential and he doesn't want to be a detriment to the team.  It was a classy move.  It hurts the US Team overall but it's still the right thing to do.  It's been big news (even though you may not have noticed because the world revolves around Brett Farve these days…which I will comment on shortly).    So, here's the good part.  Paul Hamm can't go.  Well, it's not good that he can't go but wait for it…  So who are they sending in his place?  Raj Bhavsar.  Awesomeness!  Hopefully, he won't suck.  He has the potential to be really great.  I'm just psyched that he's getting the shot.

6.  Okay, unless you live in a hut in Guam, you know the Brett Farve situation.  Hell, tribesmen in the most remote parts of Africa know the Brett Farve situation.  It's like the world is swimming in Farve.  "What'd you do today?"  "Oh, I waded through a sea of Farve and then ate some cheese."  I've been following the saga kind of half-heartedly.  I'm not a Packers fan…but the mere thought that the Green Bay Packers have made Brett Farve feel "unwelcome" is completely outrageous to me…so I don't follow too closely because I know it'll annoy me.  I mean, it's Brett Farve.  He belongs on the Packers…and sure as hell not as the back-up quarterback.  But whatever.  Here's the cool thing:  it's been widely reported that two teams have been given permission to talk to Farve – Tampa Bay and the New York Jets.  It's also been widely reported that Farve does not want to play in Florida.  The New York Jets are my favorite football team.  Don't get on my ass…I like the Bears too.  I know it's a long shot…but Brett Farve could be a Jet.  He could be the newest member of the Gang Green.  That is nothing short of fucking awesome.  There are not enough exclamation points in the world to convey how fucking awesome that degree of fucking awesome actually is.  I don't think the presence of Farve is going to win the Jets any Super Bowls or anything but it sure as hell couldn't hurt.

5.  I'm such a Pampered Chef addict.  It's so fun.  I went to a Pampered Chef party last weekend and spent too much money.  It's a great feeling.  I can't wait to cook things with really cool, albeit really unnecessary, kitchen gadgets.

4.  I wrote last month about my mom and the best birthday gift ever.  I told her I'd gotten her the best birthday gift ever.  She tortured me about it.  She said she had an idea what the gift was but then wouldn't tell me what her idea was.  Then, on her birthday, she opened my gift last and was all leisurely about it.  I could have killed her.  It paid off though.  She was totally wrong about what the gift was and she nearly flew out of her chair with glee when she saw what the gift actually was.  Jackpot!  She's so excited.  She actually called me the next day and was like "so, guess what?  I've got tickets to see Kathy Griffin."  She's funny.  Incidentally, she thought I got her tickets to see Cheap Trick and Journey together in concert.  She must think that my idea of "best birthday gift ever" is immeasurably lame.  Cheap Trick?  Come on.

3.  I have a new game for my PS3.  It is severely cutting into my sleep time because I stay up far too late playing this game on school nights.  It is the Indiana Jones Lego game.  I highly suggest this game.  It's so cool.  It's right up there with the Star Wars Lego game, which I've written about in the past.  You get to be a Lego version of Indy and his cast of characters and you get to run around doing ridiculous shit.  You get to bust Lego structures apart with your Lego whip.  You get to ride Lego horses.  You get to hunt for Lego artifacts.  You get to kill Lego Nazis and Lego Thuggies.  It's so damn entertaining.

2.  Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is coming to theaters in November.  Naturally, I cannot wait until November.  Warner Brothers has been particularly stingy about the trailers for this movie.  You'd think we'd have one by now, right?  Right.  The trailer was supposed to be released with Get Smart.  Saw Get Smart.  No trailer.  Then it was supposed to be released with The Dark Knight.  Saw The Dark Knight.  Again, no damn trailer.  Even saw The Dark Knight on IMAX and they showed some bullshit 10 second teaser thing that was really more a cruel joke than a trailer.  (By the way - on a total tangent - did you Dark Knight viewers see the Watchmen trailer before the movie?  Oh my sweet chocolate bobbie socks!!!  Too cool for color TV!)  Today, however, Warner Brothers released the first trailer.  I've downloaded it on HD.  It gave me chills.  I am one giant ball of anticipation.  I am vibrating with wonderment.  Wooohoooohohhhoooooo!

1.  I watch a lot of tennis and a lot of golf.  Doing this makes me want to play tennis and play golf.  I cannot play tennis.  My knees simply cannot take it.  Bummer.  I do, however, have the physical ability to play golf.  So, I've taken up golf.  Like a true nerd who got straight A's in school, if I'm going to do something, I'm going to learn how to do it properly.  So, I've begun golf lessons.  Let me just tell you, and I'm sure the more endowed ladies of the world out there will holla back, golfing with big boobs is not an easy task.  My whole damn golf swing revolves around maneuvering around my boobs.  But I'm determined.  If Natalie Gulbis can do it, so can I.  She's got big boobs…and she's a Pro.  So, I go to my golf lessons and I swing around my boobs and I work diligently.  I go and I wear my little golf shoes and my little Sergio Garcia golf hat and I try to improve.  Again, no easy task since I basically suck at golf.  Thankfully, I have a really patient teacher.  His name is Brian and he talks to all of us like we're in kindergarten…but he doesn't make me feel crappy about myself so I don't mind much.  At my last golf lesson, I hit a ball 120 yards perfectly straight with a 7 iron.  120 yards.  Perfectly straight.  Me.  Boobs and all.  That's right.  It was, like, a crowning achievement.  I could have died right there and been pretty okay with it.  Now I understand why people play.  You can have the worst game of your life but you hit that one shot and it makes the entire world okay.  It's like runner's high…but you're standing still.  I also have an awesome short game, but that's beside the point.  In that one moment while I watched the ball sail away with my golf club resting on my shoulder in my "finishing pose" as Brian calls it, I was the Tiger Woods of the three foot space immediately surrounding me.  I was the Sergio Garcia of my stall on the driving range.  It was a fleeting moment but it was awesome.  I hit a golf ball 120 yards perfectly straight with a 7 iron.  I rule.

There you have it.  I've said it all.  Ten Happy Things…

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