Gonna dress you up in my love...all over, all over!
Golf and tennis. March’s list has a lot of golf and tennis. I’m just going to get that out in the open right away. Well, some tennis and a lot of golf. There’s a few of you out there that have issued complaints about the almost constant presence of golf and tennis on my little lists, golf especially. I don’t even care. This is about things that bring me joy and golf brings me lots of joy…so foo. I just wanted to warn you. Now that appropriate warnings have been issued, here we go.
10. It’s getting warmer. Okay, okay, okay, before you die of shock from me actually listing anything to do with warmer weather as a happy thing, allow me to explain. I am a winter girl. We all know this. I love the winter and generally dislike anything that pushes temperatures above, say, 65 degrees. The fact that Colorado is getting pummeled with snow right now actually makes me really jealous. Nevertheless, I have come to terms with the fact that winter cannot last forever where I live and the weather is, inevitably, going to get warmer. The thing that makes me happy about this is that the warmer weather means I can get out on the golf course. I’m still not wishing for anything like 90 degrees but the overall warmer temperatures do mean that I can get my golf on. That’s a good thing. When you’re a golf fan, it’s fun to watch golf on TV. When you’re a golf fan who also plays golf, watching golf on TV makes you want to go out and play golf. Despite my love of the cold and snow, I can’t golf in it. That’s winter’s only flaw…it ends outdoor golf.
9. So, I’ve mentioned before that I have a Wii. If you don’t have a Wii, get a Wii. They’re way fun. Anyway, that being said, I have this Andy Roddick tennis game for my Wii. I may have brought this up before. I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m bringing it up again. I have this Andy Roddick tennis game for my Wii. It is the best game ever. It’s a tennis game like the regular Wii Sports tennis game, or the Mario tennis game, or whatever but it’s more, for lack of a better term, realistic. Like, you can play Mario football and then you can play Madden football or, better yet, you can play Wii Sports golf or you can play the Tiger Woods golf game. Same game, just more precise, more or less. Anyway, I have this game and I’m like some kind of a lunatic with it. You can be various players and play all manner of games – singles, doubles, tournaments…whatever. But here’s the thing: Andy Roddick is kind of known for his serve. He has the most wicked serve in tennis. I’ve seen the man serve at speeds over 140 miles per hour. It’s just ridiculous. When you play this Andy tennis game and you play against Andy, he’ll serve it to you at, like, 140 miles per hour….and even though it’s a video game, that little virtual tennis ball actually comes flying at you at 140 miles per hour. It’s completely insane. The first time I played against Andy in the game and he served like that, I actually ducked. I have a small living room and a big television so, you know, the little high definition virtual tennis ball looked like it was rocketing at my face. It was a knee-jerk reaction. The best thing about this game, though, is that it makes me feel like those idiots in those golf commercials where the dude will hit this really good shot and he’ll tell his friend “yeah, I’m thinking about turning pro…” I’ll play this game and beat Andy and then I’m like “yeah, I’m totally playing Wimbledon this year.” It’s EXTREMELY entertaining, both for me and for any fortunate soul who happens to be watching. I run around like a maniac when I play. I actually dove/fell over my ottoman once lunging for a shot. It’s good stuff.
8. Speaking of Andy, he’s been playing tennis in more places than my living room. There’s been some Davis Cup action going on, among other things. The Davis Cup is this big international men's tennis tournament that occurs over four different weekends throughout the year. The top 16 international teams compete against each other in a knockout kind of format. The first round of the 2009 Davis Cup was held the weekend of March 6th and featured the US team (consisting of Andy Roddick, James Blake, and the Bryan twins) playing against Switzerland. It was AWESOME. You have to understand something about Andy Roddick – for him, there is tennis and then there is Davis Cup tennis. If he could play in slams the way he plays in the Davis Cup, he’d be unbeatable. He’s a GOD when he plays Davis Cup. It’s unreal. It was so much fun to watch, I can’t even tell you. I was actually standing on my couch and hollering at one point during the match between Andy and Stan Wawrinka. Needless to say, the US eliminated Switzerland 4 to 1 and moves on to the next round in July where they’ll face Croatia. It pretty much goes without saying that Spain will probably win the Davis Cup for the second year running because they have that idiot savant, Rafael Nadal, on their team but it’s still fun to watch nevertheless...especially when Andy is kicking ass and taking names.
7. Okay, this item (and the next two, for that matter) is one of my famous funny things that register as a happy thing because it made me laugh so hard. In early May, the PGA Tour will feature The Players Championship, a golf tournament regarded as the unofficial ‘fifth major’ by most of the professional golf world. It’s kind of a big deal. You might remember me talking about this tourney last year when Sergio won. Hang on. Give me a sec. I’ve got to relish that memory for a bit. Okay, I’m good. Anyway, being that he’s the defending champion, there’s this oddball Sergio Garcia-themed contest that The Players and Adidas are running. It’s the stupidest thing in the history of contests. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the “Dress Sergio Garcia Contest.” Swear to God. I love Sergio to no end and even I think this is retarded. Basically, Adidas (Sergio’s main sponsor) has selected three different outfits and you can go online and vote for which outfit you like. Sergio is going to wear the winning outfit during the second round of play at this year’s Players. When I came across this gem while perusing the Golf Channel website, I nearly fell over laughing. It’s the dumbest golf contest I’ve ever seen. I could see if you could, you know, vote for an outfit and then if you win, Sergio will wear said outfit while he plays a round of golf with you or something. That would be a kick ass contest. But a contest that centers on picking out a grown man’s clothes for the sole purpose of getting to see him wear said clothes on TV is just stupid. Mind you, there are other prizes involved. There’s a $3,000 Adidas golf makeover package and whatnot but still. Now, the overwhelming level of retardation emanating from this contest in no way stopped me from voting for my outfit of choice…several times…despite the fact that not one outfit up for consideration included Sergio in white pants and a green shirt (my hands down favorite Sergio look of all time). I’m not saying I’m not retarded. I’m just saying this contest is more retarded. But it made me laugh…a lot…and I like laughing.
6. Let's just take a minute here with Mr. Ian Poulter...
Do I really need to explain? The man is just my style hero. Watching golf is always a good time for me but when I’m watching golf and I get to see Ian Poulter wear one of his ridiculous outfits with his crazy spikey hair, it’s such a bonus. :-)
5. Okay, even people who aren’t into golf saw this one. I cannot remember the last time I laughed so hard at something golf related. Some guys are more fashion conscious than others. Furthermore, some guys know the benefits of carrying their rain gear with them even when there’s no rain in the forecast better than others. Henrik Stenson is clearly the former…but unfortunately, is not the latter. You all remember Henrik Stenson. He’s one of my favorites. The doofus golfer from Sweden who is utterly Swedish but hates the cold? He’s made the list before. He’s a peach. Anyway, during the first round of the World Golf Championships, good old Henrik hit a shot into the mud on the third hole. When I say mud, I mean serious mud. Like, up to his knees mud. He had two options – take a drop and incur a one-stroke penalty or play the shot from the ball’s location in the mud. Right, so, not wanting to incur the penalty stroke, Hen decided to play the shot from the muddy lie. (Yeah, I said Hen. He and I are on a first syllable basis.) Being that there was no rain in the forecast, neither Henrik nor Henrik’s caddie thought to pack the rain gear in the old golf bag. Hindsight being 20/20, they probably should have packed the damn rain gear. Not wanting to get covered in mud with 15 holes left to play, Henrik did the only thing that seemed logical to him. It didn’t seem logical to anyone else but it seemed perfectly logical to him. Henrik did this:
4. There is this show on Monday nights on the Golf Channel that is seriously my favorite TV show ever. It’s called The Haney Project and if you haven’t yet seen it, see it. It features Hank Haney, Tiger Woods’ coach, trying to help Charles Barkley fix his golf swing. Once upon a time, Charles Barkley was a good golfer and then he got all into his own head about it and developed this weird hitch in his swing and now he’s beyond awful. His golf swing is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I mean, it’s bad. Really bad. It’s easily the funniest show on TV, whether you like golf or not. Charles Barkley is damn entertaining on his own. I mean, the man is just a character and a half. Throw his horrible golf game into the mix and it’s just non-stop comedy. They even show little clips of Tiger Woods trying to impersonate Charles Barkley’s golf swing. Hilarious. I look forward to watching this show every Monday. You should check it out.
3. I totally got the Twilight movie on blu-ray. I got it the day it came out. I’ve watched it like three times already. Let me just tell you, it’s a significantly better movie when you’re watching it without the hoards of giggling and shrieking teenaged girls. Vampires are sparkly. Sparkly and romantic with perfectly tousled hair. Every girl should have one.
2. Over the past weekend, I took a trip out to my local Golf Galaxy store. Going to Golf Galaxy for me is equivocal to going on holiday somewhere awesome. I could spend HOURS in that store. Hell, I could spend hours in the putter section alone. There was an exchange that I had to make at Golf Galaxy so I used that as an excuse to go and visit TaylorMade’s new driver, the r9, which just came out this month. When I walked up to the display for it in the store, sunlight shone upon the club and somewhere in the distance a choir of angels began to sing. Let me just tell you, this golf club is fucking ridiculous. Not just ridiculous. FUCKING ridiculous. It’s like a golf club Transformer. You can open and close the face, you can increase and decrease the loft, you can do all kinds of stuff with it. It’s like the Optimus Prime of drivers. For those of you who don’t know, these features are not standard for drivers. I believe this is the first driver that allows for this level of customization and whatnot. Nike has a new driver out that does some of the same stuff but screw Nike, the damn copy cats. Plus, Nike drivers are yellow and that’s just stupid. Anyway…moving on. Now, I will openly admit, all these features mean absolutely nothing to my golf game. I am nowhere near good enough to need that level of customization. Not even remotely close. Doesn’t stop me from drooling over this golf club like it’s a naked Sergio Garcia. It’s so awesome, you almost need to speak in hushed tones around it. Golf Galaxy has one of those fun rooms where you can try golf clubs out. There’s a tee box and then this movie screen canvas thing that you hit the golf balls into that simulates hitting a ball on an actual golf course. Because I’m a glutton for punishment, I had to try this club out. Okay, I’m going to say this and I don’t care if it’s over the line – it was a golfing orgasm. The noise the club makes as it slices through the air is just incredible. The guy helping me let me hit a few and then did the Transformer thing with the club. He turned some stuff and changed some other stuff and then gave me the club back. I hit the next ball and it did a totally different thing. We went through this a number of times so I could see all the changes one can make and the difference it makes when you hit the ball. By the time we were done, my breasts were heaving and moist with perspiration. Yeah, it was that good. Okay, I can’t take credit for that heaving line. I totally got that from a movie…but it fit the situation perfectly. Golfing orgasm. I stood there in Golf Galaxy looking at this $400 golf club and just swooning. I can’t buy a $400 golf club. I just can’t. Thankfully, the r9 spoke to me. It said “Meredith, I know that you want me. I can see your desire. But I am too much golf club for you. You are not yet worthy.” Sigh. The r9 was right. I am not yet worthy. But I want to be.
1. Dudes, how incredibly awesome was Watchmen? Right? Right! It was so good. I saw it on IMAX on opening night. I've seen it again since then on a regular movie screen a couple of more times before it leaves the theaters. Watchmen is one of the best books I've ever read. It doesn't even matter that it's a comic book. It's literature...good literature. Watchmen is one of those books where you have certain things that cannot be screwed up when it's made into a movie. You know there's going to be some changes and you're prepared for them but there are just a couple of things here and there that cannot be compromised. What those things are differ from person to person. When Lord of the Rings was made into movies, I knew that there were going to be some changes and some things left out for the sake of storytelling but I was ready for it. However, if Gimli had been wrong or the Balrog had been wrong, I would have gotten up and walked right out of the theater. Those were my sticking points. It’s the same thing with the Harry Potter movies. I can take the changes but had they screwed up Neville and Luna, I would have never watched another second of Harry Potter celluloid. You get where I’m coming from. I had a short list of sticking points for Watchmen as well…and not only did those sticking points get met, they got blown right out of town. It was beyond what I expected. Firstly, I needed Rorschach to be right. He couldn’t be some actor’s interpretation of Rorschach. He had to BE Rorschach. And he was….he totally was. Secondly, Nite Owl had to be right. Nite Owl is my favorite character in the graphic novel. Hands down favorite. If they would have screwed him up, it would have ruined my whole movie experience. He was perfect. PERFECT! I could kiss that Patrick Wilson for being so damn perfect. Lastly, Nite Owl’s ship, Archimedes, had to be cool….and it was way cool. The movie blew my mind. Granted, it was easily the most naked comic book movie in the history of comic book movies but there’s a lot of nakedness going on in the print version, so that was to be expected. Still, there’s a lot of bright blue penis flying around. It also features one of the most graphic sex scenes I’ve ever seen in a non-porn movie. It left so little to the imagination that it was uncomfortable to watch in a movie theater full of strangers. I was embarrassed for the actors. I was sitting there thinking “how the HELL did they film that????” I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was WAY hot. It wasn’t tasteless. It wasn’t off tone or out of context. It was just really…gratuitous. I digress. Fans have been waiting a long, long time for this film and it totally did not disappoint…at least not this fan. Some ultra-purists were unhappy but they were going to be unhappy no matter what the movie was like. Ultra-purists are impossible to please. To hell with them. I’m going to go see it again…and then when the blu-ray comes out, I’m going to get that too so I can see all the deleted stuff that didn’t make it into the movie. It could have been 20 hours long and I would have been down with it. It could have been such a let down…and it totally wasn’t. Whee!
So, there you go. March list complete. As side note, a few readers have asked on various occasions why I don’t mention my brother who is serving in Iraq on the list anymore. Yes, he is still in Iraq and yes, he is alive and well. When he hit the two-month mark, I mentioned on the list that I was happy he was okay. Upon reflection, I decided I didn’t want to tempt fate. He’s halfway through what the Army told us his third tour would be. He’s still in good spirits considering the situation and has carried on unharmed. I am choosing to celebrate each day that he’s okay silently because, truly, even though I knew it’s stupid to fear such a thing, I don’t want to carry on every month gushing about how he’s okay and then get the phone call. You know, that whole Murphy’s Law thing. I’m trying to avoid that. But I thank you for thinking to ask about him. He’s okay. He misses home but he’s hanging in there. :-)