February 2008

Set your spirit free...it's the only way to be...

Happy Leap Year!  Let's leap right in to Ten Happy Things….

10.  I'm putting this one first to get it out of the way because it's kind of mean spirited.  I will admit that I don't think the Federal Government has any place in sports, specifically baseball.  There's a war going on and an economy in the shithole and we're wasting government resources on steroids in baseball?  Give me a break.  That being said, I am getting the hugest of all kicks out of watching Roger Clemens get crucified.  Oh sweet chocolate Christ, how I'm loving it!  I hate that guy.  I mean, I REALLY hate that guy.  Not as much as Roger Federer, but pretty damn close.  I'll give him credit where credit is due…he's a phenomenal pitcher.  Steroids or not, the man was brilliant on the mound.  Nevertheless, he's a huge asshole.  I hate it when really talented athletes ruin the beauty of their talent by being fuckchops.  Clemens is a fuckchop.  He was a fuckchop with the Red Sox.  He was the biggest fuckchop in baseball history with the Yankees (you just don't make Mike Piazza bleed on purpose.  You just don't.  Not in my book anyway.).  He was a fuckchop with the Astros.  He's just a fuckchop.  I think what's happening to him is pretty ridiculous but I think he's reaping the asshole seeds he's spent the past twenty years sowing.  Fucking fuckchop.

9.  Staying on the baseball tip, Spring Training has begun.  Players have reported and training has commenced.  The season is on its way.  The Mets are favored in their division, again.  This means nothing because they'll choke like they always do but it's still a cool feeling if you're a Met fan. 

8.  I got some new shoes.  I'm not a big shoe maniac like most girls but I like shoes well enough.  The problem is that I'm about 94 years old from the knees down so there's not a really broad spectrum of shoes I'm actually capable of wearing.  Sometimes I go into shoe stores and visit high heels that I can't wear anymore.  It's all rather depressing.  However, I recently found two pairs of sneakers that don't really look like sneakers that I can wear to work and look fashionable in while still being able to walk adequately.  One pair is brown with argyles.  These are my favorite.

7.  As you all know, smoking in bars in Illinois has been banned.  It's awesome for those of us who don't smoke.  This new phenomenon, however, has yielded a new amusement for me that was unexpected but quite welcome.  I laugh at shivering smokers.  They're so ludicrous.  I mean, you go to walk into a place and there's this little cache of people standing 15 feet from the door freezing their asses of while smoking a cigarette.  It's, like, 3 degrees outside and these idiots are standing outside in it just so they can inhale some lung cancer into their bodies. That's some serious dedication.  They're like demented mailmen.  They'll brave any element just to get that nicotine fix.  "I'd rather get hypothermia than quit smoking!"  It's all very comical to me.  

6.  Girl Scout Cookies are here.  Thin Mints and Tag-a-Longs and Do-si-dos.  There's nothing better than a couple of frozen Thin Mints dipped in a little bit of Breyer's vanilla ice cream.  

5.  For those of you who didn't watch the Oscars (or don't care or whatever), Diablo Cody, the former stripper from Chicagoland who wrote that gem of a film, Juno, won a big fat Oscar for Best Original Screenplay.  This really made my day.  The Oscars this year were full of accolades for dark, depressing, violent movies.  They were all great films but dark, depressing, violent downers.  Nothing you could see and walk out of the theater feeling good about.  Except for Juno….the little bit of bright and sunny amidst the muck.  In the world as it is now, I think a little more happiness in Hollywood is a good thing.  It would have been even better if Ellen Page won for Best Actress as well but, honestly, from seeing both films, the French broad was unbeatable.  Nevertheless, it was nice to see the stupid Oscars give honor to someone different….someone fresh and new and against the grain.  Someone in flat shoes with sparkly skull earrings and a big pin-up girl tattoo on her arm.  Someone who cried and thanked her family for loving her exactly the way she is.  It was a nice little moment. 

4.  The Writer's Guild of America strike is over….FINALLY.  I've been going through horrible Office withdrawals.  We'll be getting some new episodes in April, thanks be to God.  It looks like all the shows I like will be back except for Bionic Woman.  I'm apparently the only person alive who liked that show.  Oh well.  I really don't care.  As long as they give me The Office and Lost and Heroes, I'm good.

3.  This one is for the Star Wars geeks out there.  This summer, Lucas' video game entity, Presidio, is putting out a new Star Wars game called Star Wars: The Force Unleashed.  This game is supposed to be hugely revolutionary.  It's such a big deal that there was a full article on the game in Vanity Fair of all places.  The game covers the 19 year span between Episode 3 and Episode 4 and is being reviewed as better story-wise than the second trilogy movies.  The game uses some kind of crazy Artificial Intelligence that no other game has.  Some kind of crazy progressive shit from Sweden or Switzerland or some country that begins with an S.  We're talking Skynet is here, the machines are coming, hasta la vista baby, Wil Smith running around in retro Converse sneakers kinds of A.I. software.  That's not even the kicker though.  The kicker is that the main character is Vader and the player gets to be Vader's "secret apprentice", or so the article hints to.  As the secret apprentice, you get full use of the Force and all the associative power minus all the constraints of Jedi law.  Basically, you can use the Force to blow shit up and kill people and drop Stormtroopers on their heads and pluck Star Destroyers right out of the damn vacuum of space…and with the A.I. software, if you drop a Stormtrooper on his head 100 times, he'll react differently 100 times.  Plus, it's a PlayStation 3 game which means it's all in High Definition.  I was reading about this on the train and literally groaning with anticipation.  I don't care how much it costs.  I HAVE TO HAVE this game.  I'm going to use the Force to make Star Destroyers do that crazy thing they do in the movies where they fall downward as they're blowing up even though there's no gravity in outer space.  That's right, bitches.  I'm going use the Force to defy all the laws of physics.  Hell yeah!

2.  Okay, this one is gay and I'll totally admit that it's gay but I don't care.  There have been rumors on and off over the past few years concerning a possible New Kids on the Block reunion and corresponding world tour.  Every time it pops up in the news, it's shot down.  Earlier this month, the rumor popped up in the news again.  However, this time, it seems the rumor has some merit to it.  The group's website, www.nkotb.com, is active again after being dormant for many moons.  When you go to the site, you get this thing to fill out if you want news emailed to you and then there's this movie that plays that's nothing but news clips talking about the reunion.  All signs are pointing to the fact that the New Kids are, in fact, reuniting and will, in fact, go on tour.  I'm telling you, if this is the case, I am so there.  I'm there and I'm singing along and I'm screaming my head off like I did when I was a lunatic thirteen year old.  Yes, the music is horrible.  Yes, they're all old now.  Yes, I know the idea of a 40-year old former boy band member getting back on stage and doing the Hangin' Tough arm wave is entirely ridiculous.  I don't care.  I will put on my Donnie D. t-shirt and my Joey Joe super large button and my NKOTB shoelaces and I'll go to the damn concert and relive my junior high hysterics.  This is boy band hilarity at its best.  Totally.

1.  On February 15, my little Murray and I trotted on down to the United Center and saw the Spice Girls.  I figured that the show would be good.  I didn't figure it would be nearly as good as it was.  I mean, the singing wasn't the best I'd ever heard but holy cow, what a show.  It was phenomenal.  The stage show was entirely off the hook.  There were props and fans and dancers and lights and all this crap.  It was like a seizure of entertainment.  It was really good.  Really, really good.  My sister and I had the best time.  We sang ourselves hoarse.  It was so fun.  I was skeptical about the quality of this show but I certainly got what I paid for.  And there was a Becks sighting, which was fun.  Toward the end of the show, they did this song where they brought all their kids on stage.  So, Emma is walking around with her baby and Scary Spice is walking around with Eddie Murphy's love child.  Victoria Beckham walks over to the end of the stage and there's this random dude there handing her sons to her one by won.  They swing the spotlight around and who is the random dude?  David Beckham.  It was so unexpected.  We were like "holy shit, that's David Beckham!"  It was groovy.  We were colors of the world and we spiced up our lives.  Hi-see-ya, hold tight!  

There you have it, folks….Ten Happy Things for February.  I know, I know…you're all at peace now.  Glad to be of service.