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May 2010

Won't you please let me...back in your heart?

I'm going to get this right out in the open.....May fucking sucked.  Honestly, this whole year so far has been kind of tough with it's nice little string of terrible losses but May has been a doozie. 

I want to preclude this month's list with a little shout out, so to speak.  On May 10th, my Gram lost her battle with cancer.  I'm going to be frankly honest....it fucking sucked.  My Gram moved out here from New York to live just this past September.  I'd been waiting for over 20 years to live near my Gram again and about five minutes after she got here, we found out she was sick.  She fought and she did chemo and all that but cancer is just a sneaky, clever little bastard.  By the time she passed, she was under 80 pounds and looked nothing like the Grandmother I'd always known.  She was weak and frail and sick and it sucked.  We watched her wither away and die right in front of our faces.  A good chunk of my foundation - who I am and what I like and how I roll - comes from my Gram.  I have a cornucopia of memories I can look back on that make me smile or laugh....and for that, I am grateful.  During the last days, family came in from the East Coast to help us with the transition, and for that, I am grateful.  My husband and a good many of my friends were really awesome with their understanding and support, and for that, I am grateful.  For 33 years, my Gram did her best to fill my life with Happy Things.  Thank you, Gram.  Thank you for everything.  :o)

So, there's that.

Moving on.  Happy things.  Here we go...

10.  May was a rather alright month for movies.  Like a good little comic book geek, I saw Iron Man 2 on opening night.  I'm not going to rant and rave and carry on about it.  It was good.  Robert Downey, Jr. was awesome.  The effects were fantastic.  I was thoroughly entertained.  Yadda yadda yadda.  That being said, Iron Man 2 features Scarlett Johansson kicking ass in skin-tight black tactical gear.  I'm going to say that again just so that we can all be a part of it.  Scarlett Johansson kicking ass in skin-tight black tactical gear.  Yeah, it was awesome.  I saw the movie with my husband and my auxiliary husband.  The first time ScarJo crossed the screen in her badass outfit, Auxiliary Husband's mouth fell open and he said "oh my God, what is she wearing!"  It wasn't a question.  It was a statement.....and it was hilarious.  I also saw Robin Hood several times.  Yes, I know.  Most people didn't think it was that good.  I don't care.  I thought it was awesome.  First and foremost, I LOVE me some period films, especially if they're set in England.  If its Medieval or Victorian England, I'm THERE.  Secondly, I am happy to announce that Russell Crowe is back to his Gladiator-level hotness.  He's not quite back to his Mystery, Alaska-level hotness but I think that's a kind of hotness that's only achieved once in a lifetime.  He'll never be as much of an eyegasm as he was in Mystery, Alaska.  Nevertheless, after a string of roles in which he seemed to be trying his darndest to be unattractive, old Russell took his place back in the land of the mouthwatering where he belongs.  Plus, he does that kind of soft spoken growly voice thing that just makes me cream my pants.  The film also featured Scott Grimes and anything that features Scott Grimes is okay in my book.  I love that friggin' guy.  I don't even care if he's pretty much the same character every time.  He's still awesome.  Us gingers have to stick together you know...

9.  I'm one of those Lost people.  Not someone who doesn't know where they're going.  Someone who follows the show, Lost.  I've seen every episode from the first to the last.  There's a lot of things I could say about the finale.  More truthfully, there's a lot of questions I could ask about the finale.  If it wasn't for the glory that was the most recent Star Trek movie, I'd probably hunt J.J. Abrams down and kick his ass.  However, I had one requirement of the show - that Desmond and Penny end up okay and together.  By some chance of divine intervention, that requirement was met.  My Desmond and Penny wish came true.  That being said, this was by far and without question the absolute best part of the finale.  It may qualify as one of the very best moments of the entire series:

When Charlie remembers everything...the way he looks at Claire.....yeah, that just warmed my soul.  I'm sure it helps that Charlie is hands down my favorite character on that show.  I nearly quit watching when they killed him off.  Whatever.  Best Lost moment EVER.

8.  Have you seen that preview for that documentary, Babies?  It's got this song that plays with it - The Perpetual Self or "What Would Saul Alinsky Do?" by this odd dude named Sufjan Stevens.  I am OBSESSED with this song.  I can't remember the last time I've heard a happier little song.  Every time I hear it, I just kind of bop along in happy land like I'm rolling in a field of daisies while eating cotton candy or something.  It makes me grin like crazy.  Here:

Love, love, love, love it.

7.  I'm going to preclude this one by saying that this event occurred BEFORE the Flyers made it to the Stanley Cup Finals against the Blackhawks.  Had it happened after the Finals, it wouldn't have gone down like this.  That being said, I had a rather entertaining run in with a Flyers fan on the train.  It was the day that the Flyers were set to play the Bruins in game seven of their series (it may help to note that the Flyers were, at one point, down 3-0 to the Bruins in that series and had battled back to get to a game seven.  It may also help to note that I'm a HUGE Pittsburgh Penguins fan.  Before you get yourselves all in a tizzy, I am also a Blackhawks fan.  I root for the Hawks with as much love and gusto as I root for the Pens.  The only scenario in which I wouldn't root for the Hawks would be if they were playing the Pens....and if that ever happens, you'll know because the News will be reporting the outbreak of World War III in my house in Frankfort).  Right, so, I'm sitting on the train on my way into work and here comes this big bald dude in a bright orange Flyers jersey.  Okay, just NO.  So, because God seems to like to laugh at me more than he likes to laugh at the rest of humanity, the aforementioned big bald dude in the bright orange Flyers jersey sat next to me.  If you follow me on Facebook, you may remember me mentioning this dude sitting by me and my inability to mask my complete and utter disdain.  So, we had this little exchange:

Me:  Uh, dude?  You think you can turn that jersey down a couple of notches?  It's early.
Bald Dude:  What are you?  Some kind of a Bruins fan?
Me:  I am today.
Bald Dude:  Ah, I see.  You're a Penguins fan.
Me:  How the hell did you know that?
Bald Dude:  Because nothing on earth annoys a Pens fan more than a Flyers jersey.
Me:  Oh, not true sir.  There is one thing that annoys a Pens fan more than a Flyers jersey.
Bald Dude:  Oh yeah?  What's that?
Me:  Ovechkin!
Bald Dude:  Oh, fuck Ovechkin!!!!

In that moment....in that one, singular moment, I was aligned with a Flyers fan.  The moment was fleeting (especially now that the Blackhawks are facing the Flyers in the Finals).  It will, most likely, never happen again.  But it tickled me all day.  I'm still kind of chuckling about it.  Stupid Ovechkin.

6.  You ever have one of those moments where you find yourself in a situation right out of a movie and it's like you've waited you entire life to have such a situation so that you could spew out a quote from the movie that is, finally, perfect?  I had that recently.  It's not the first time I've had such an experience but it was the first time in a while and it made me laugh way harder than the one other time it happened.  On the Northside of Chicago in Logans Square, there's this area of sorts where the street runs in a circle around this big sculpture thing.  I don't know why it's there.  I'm sure its ornamental or whatever.  I don't go to the Northside often so I'm not all that adept at navigating unnecessary road loopage.  I was with Meg and we were attempting to get from Point A - her apartment - to Point B - Fat Willy's Rib Shack.  To get from Point A to Point B, I had to navigate this circle road around the ornamental structure thing.  Of course, I got on the loop and equally of course, I couldn't figure out how to get off.  In the process of making yet another turn around the statue, I looked at Meg and said "look kids! Big Ben! Parliament!"  That was it.  Meg and I just fell out laughing all over the damn car.  I was laughing so hard, I couldn't drive.  I was doing something like two miles an hour around this loop, much to the consternation of some teenage chick behind me, because I was laughing so hard.  I was cracking up to the point where I couldn't adequately operate my motor vehicle but was forced to do the best I could because I was trapped on the damn loop.  I think I laughed about that shit for three days.  Meg sent me a text the next day that just said "Big Ben! Parliament!" and I totally cracked up laughing all over again.

On a side note, we did eventually get off the loop and we did eventually make it to Fat Willy's Rib Shack, which was probably the best barbecue place I've ever been to.  Super good.  I highly recommend.

5.  For about five years now, I've been trying to go to Las Vegas for my birthday.  Every year, something happens that makes the trip impossible.  This year, however, I'm going.  It's been decided.  People have been invited and dates have been set and plans are in motion.  I'm going and there isn't anything anyone can do to stop me.  Nothing.  And I'm super excited about it so don't go and conspire with each other on ways to screw this up for me.  Don't even try it.  I'll sic my Bear on you.

4.  The French Open is underway in Paris right now.  For some oddball reason, every year the French Open does this "Jukebox Karaoke" room for the players.  It's the most random thing ever.  Basically, the players can go into this room with props and backup singers and whatnot and either sing or lip sync to the song of their choice on camera.  This usually results in all kinds of hilarity....and some years are better than others.  Usually, you don't see any of the videos until the tournament is in week two.  This year, however, we got an early montage that made me lose my mind laughing.  Here:

Okay, Andy Murray in that wig trying to sing the Jackson Five just about killed me.  I don't know what's funnier, how awesomely bad Murray is or the dude with the makeup pallet that totally steals the scene.  If that's not enough, the video finishes with Robin Soderling singing Gimme a Man After Midnight by Abba.  Normally, that would garner a chuckle and that would be it.  However, the fact that Soderling is from Sweden.....and he's singing Abba.....and it's that song.  Hilarious.  Just hilarious.  The only way it could have possibly been funnier would be if he'd sang Dancing Queen.

3.  Have you met Allie Brosh?  No?  Me neither.  However, I've been turned onto her blog, Hyperbole and a Half (hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com).  It is by far and without question some of the funniest, most entertaining shit I have ever come across in my entire life.  Not only is Allie hilarious in her own right but she also includes pictures and awesomely bad drawings that just murder me with their funniness.  I've gone back to the very beginning of her blog and started reading from the start so I can feel all caught up on her life.  I love how funny she is.  I equally love how smart she is.  I more equally love that she, like me, seems to be a complete and utter calamity.  I especially love that she's a Grammar stickler like I am.  That throws her right into the kindred spirit category.  She finds creative ways to hurt herself AND she's a Grammar stickler?  Yeah, that's perfect.  I have spent many an afternoon reading her blogs in my office and laughing with enough vigor that I attract the attentions of coworkers.  I have decided that she's the type of chick I'd love to go out drinking with.  She lives far from me though.....and I think she's easily ten years younger.  I don't know if age matters amongst people who hurt themselves in odd ways while being Grammar sticklers though.  I think I might still have hope.  Allie, if you're out there, thanks for cracking me up on an almost daily basis.  Also, thank you for making improper use of the phrase "a lot" warm and fuzzy. 

2.  Lots of my friends have babies.  I have mentioned this before.  I have also mentioned one specific baby, the great and powerful Colin.  Colin is the baby that had that awesome picture in the Santa hat from a few months ago.  Back then, Colin didn't have much hair.  He had some but not enough that you could really get a good look at it.   Now, he has more hair.....and that hair is ORANGE.  Oh yeah, it's ginger all over the place.  I cannot tell you how much this pleases me.  I am no longer the only orangehead in the group!  Now, I have Colin!  Colin's parents are not orangeheads.  We cannot figure out how the baby ended up being a ginger (and before you start raising your eyebrows, there is no denying that Colin is the product of his parents.  He looks just like the both of them combined and, to the best of my knowledge, they don't get their milk delivered to their home.).  Everyone keeps telling me "he'll probably grow out of it" like it's some kind of phase or something.  Like having orange hair is akin to wetting the bed or sucking your thumb.  Like it's anything to be unhappy about.  Jeez.  While I will admit that the child's hair may darken, for the time being he is orangeheaded like me and it's AWESOME!  Gingers - the only true minority EVERYWHERE.

1.  A little while back, I told you about the wedding shower I went to for my friends, Derek and Angie.  It actually made number one in that month's list.  At the beginning of May, I went to the wedding.  Uber-yay.  Just a big, fat sack of yay.  It was awesome.  The ceremony was the best part.  Most of the time, wedding ceremonies suck.  This one did not.  First of all, the entire church was pink on the inside.  The walls, the ceiling, the floors.....everything was pink.  It was hilarious.  It was like Pepto Bismol church.  I know it sounds awful but it wasn't.  It really lent to the whole thing.  Secondly, the flower girl couldn't walk.  Well, okay, she might be able to walk but I don't think so.  Don't worry, she's not a cripple.  She was a little baby girl and she was completely fabulous.  They put her in this fluffy purple dress with a fluffy purple bow on her head and then they put all that fluffy purpleness in a special wedding-decorated wagon and two little ring bearers pulled the wagon down the aisle.  It was the cutest thing ever.  It was off the charts cute.  Thirdly, the priest was hilarious.  He was so perfect considering the bride and groom, I can't even begin to explain it.  Fourthly, the bride and groom wrote their own vows.  Both did a spectacular job but Derek hit it so far out of the park, it was ridiculous.  I don't know how Angie stayed as together as she did.  I was a crying mess.  Almost everyone in the damn church was a crying mess.  We were a motley crew of crying flotsam and jetsam floating in a see of Pepto Bismol.   What number am I at now?  Five?  Yeah, five.  Fifthly (if that's even a word), they had a photo booth at the reception.  This thing was the most fun.  Here, look:
Okay, the face that Joe is making in the second picture just absolutely kills me.  He's the one in the blue shirt, in case you didn't know.  And I love how all of us are making these stupid faces and the one little miss in the corner just cannot bear to look at us.  All you can see are her eyes but you can tell that she's totally ashamed of being in the picture with us.  Hilarious.  Sixthly (yeah, I'm just making words up now), there was a chick on the dance floor during the reception that was Elaine from Seinfeld.  I'm not kidding and I'm not exaggerating.  She was doing this version of the Electric Slide that was born on some other planet in some other solar system.  We were watching it in utter amazement.  It was like something out of a movie.  I kept asking people sitting near me, "is this really happening?"  I couldn't believe that there was someone on this Earth who literally and seriously dances like Elaine from Seinfeld.  I nearly fell out of my chair.  Lastly (and I know that's a real word), Derek and Angie were so happy.  That was the best part.  They were so happy and so in love with each other and so full of joy.  I'm a big sentimental sap.  I love that lovey dovey shit.  ;o)

So, there's May.  Here's to hoping that June (and the rest of the year) will be loss-free.  I'm not going to say anything about hockey because I don't want to jinx it but here's also to hoping that there's a certain mug of sorts calling Chicago home in the next week or so.  That's all I'm gonna say......and I'm gong to knock on all the wood in the house now just to be safe.  ;o)  Until next time, my puppies!

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