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March 2010

You're gonna slap all your troubles away with the slap chop...

Tomorrow is April Fool's Day....which means most of North America is enjoying the first throes of Spring while those of us in the Chicagoland area are settling in to the beginnings of Summer.  It's Chicago's great April Fool's Day prank every year.  April 1st rolls around and you think you're in store for a little of Spring but that's not what you get.  You either get Summer or a blizzard.  You never can tell.  Sigh.  I miss living through four complete seasons.  Sigh.  Just another thing to add to the list of reasons why I miss home.  Anyway....moving on.

March has been kind of a silly month.  I don't really know why.  I spent a whole lot of time cracking up this month.  The most inane things have been just slaying me with laughter.  The other day in the car, Joe made up his own words to Metallica's 'Enter Sandman' as a kind of response to me accidentally singing "coffin" instead of "closet."  He just whipped out "it's just the beasts under your bed, in your closet, and in your sled" and I was DONE.  I laughed for 20 straight minutes.  Tear streaking, gasping laughter.  It's not really that funny.  I mean, it's funny....and the way he sang it was even funnier.....but it wasn't worth the fit I flew into over it.  I guess I've just been giggly this month.  I blame it on my slowly balancing hormones.  When in doubt, blame the hormones.  The cool thing, however, about things that make you laugh really hard (and the primary reason why I assert that a funny thing is equivalent to a happy thing) is that happy tingly body buzz you get after a good, solid laugh.  That being said, this month's list is chock full of more funny things than usual.  Just so you know.

10.  I wasn't particularly overjoyed with the Oscars this year.  I won't get into why because, honestly, it doesn't matter.  The Oscars are one big Hollywood circle jerk when it comes down to it.  I love them just the same but whatever.  Anyway, this particular bit where the hosts were paying homage to the horror movie genre just about killed me:

Let me preclude this by saying that Paranormal Activity scared the bejeezus out of me.  I probably wouldn't have found this skit half as funny as I did had Paranormal Activity not scared the bejeezus out of me.  That being said, I laughed my ass off at this bit.  By the time Alec Baldwin fell out of bed, I was about ready to similarly roll off my couch laughing. 

9.  I'm a fairly avid watcher of The Big Bang Theory.  For those of you who watch BBT, or any other Chuck Lorre created show, you're familiar with his end-of-show vanity cards.  For those of you who are not, Chuck Lorre, the creator of shows like BBT and Two and a Half Men, puts these paragraph-style vanity cards up at the tail ends of his shows.  Think of the "sit, Ubu, sit.  Good dog.  Arf!" thing that's been at the ends of shows over the years.  Instead of something like that, Chuck Lorre puts these little diatribes up.  Usually, you have to pause the TV to read them.  A couple of weeks ago, he put up this: 

You know you're getting old when... You throw your back out on the toilet. You shave your ears. Your second wife calls your first wife “ma’am.” You're genuinely excited when your prescriptions arrive in the mail. You read the obits in the newspaper to check the ages of the dead people. You read a newspaper. You're bummed out that the smokin’ hot chick from Body Heat now looks like William Shatner in drag. You say “bummed out.” Women your age have real breasts and artificial hips. Masturbation leaves you winded. You try to amuse the kid hooking up your Blu-ray player by telling him about Betamax. You pee in morse code -- dots and dashes -- and have to look down to see when you’re done. Your car radio is set to “classic rock” so you have something to switch to during NPR pledge drives. Your doctor says things like, “that’s normal for a man your age” and “consider yourself lucky.” Beneath your chin is what appears to be a neck skin hammock. Beneath your penis is what appears to be two ping pong balls hanging from a flesh-colored bolo tie. You choose your new car because it offers great lumbar support and convenient cup holders. Watching “The Who” perform at the Superbowl made you inconsolably sad. You wonder if the orgasm you're about to have will actually end your life. Your doctor tells you a new medication will reduce the amount of semen in your body and your only response is, “so what.” Your car radio is set to “classic rock” so you have something to... oh, wait, I already did that one.

I laughed so hard at this, I almost died.....especially the part about the ball sack bolo tie.  It's nice to know that there's someone else out there - someone rich and successful - who, like me, wastes a lot of time writing about meaningless shit for the sole purposes of getting it out there and making people laugh.  Rock on, Chuck Lorre.  Rock on.

8.  I got to go to the Home & House Wares Show at McCormick Place this year.  It's not something that's open to the public.  To make a long story short, my dad invented this table thing for utility sinks and it was being displayed at the Show.  I'm not going to go into the logistics of the table but it's pretty neat.  If you're curious, take a look here.  Anyway, as a result of the table thing, I got to go to the show.  If, like me, you're into cooking and cleaning and using all manner of gadgets to cook and clean with, this show is like heaven.  My parents' display was in the back of the show in what's called "Inventor's Corner" so I had to go through about half of the total show to get to where they were.  I literally walked through the place wide eyed with my mouth hanging open like a kid at Disney World for the first time.  Every kind of house ware imaginable was at this show.  Hell, house wares that I couldn't imagine under my own steam (but now, of course, desperately want) were at this show.  It was a mecca to cooking and cleaning and serving and eating.  For a chick like me who often revels in getting cooking and cleaning stuff for Christmas, it was like being a heroin addict in a poppy field.  I got SO much cool stuff.  Complete and total joygasm.  The stuff, however, wasn't even the best part.  The best part was Vince Offer.  You know who Vince Offer is.  Vince Offer is the Shamwow guy.  He's the Slap Chop guy.  He's the selling stuff on TV and getting arrested for punching a hooker in the face who was biting his lip and wouldn't let go guy.  He's the guy who actually said in a televised commercial "watch this, you're gonna love my nuts."  I love this friggin' guy.  Right, so, my mom and I are traipsing through the cleaning section of the show and who do I see but Vince Offer.  Even better, I see Vince Offer at the Shamwow table.  I totally geeked out.  I reacted like he was the biggest celebrity in the world.  I TOTALLY loved his nuts.  My mom thought I was a huge dork and, admittedly so, I was.  I don't care.  :o)

7.  If, like me, you are an Office fan, you understand why this is awesome:

If, unlike me, you're not an Office fan....well, I don't know what to tell you.

6.  In the past, you've read my little bits about Evgeni Malkin and how interviews with him are just awesome because his English is so awful.  If you're a first timer, here's the Cliff's Notes:  Evgeni Malkin is a Russian hockey player who plays for the Pittsburgh Penguins.  He is awesome and I love him.  His English, while steadily improving, is not so great.  Okay, moving on.  A while back, Evgeni was giving a television interview after pulling off a hat trick during a game and he made the fantastic mistake of saying "I am score."  Since then, "I am score" has become a kind of cult thing among Pens fans.  I am score.  It's just a hilarious statement.  Right, so, I was perusing some Flair on Facebook and I came across this gem:

I laughed and laughed and laughed.  I added it to my cork board and then I laughed some more.  The flair is ridiculous because it's true.  Evgeni is score.  Similar to the wonder that is Chuck Norris, how can you not fear a man that looks dead into a television camera and says "I am score" with a completely straight face?  That's a man that means business.  I am score.  He needs to be standing on top of a mountain somewhere wearing Russian warrior clothing shouting "I am score!!!" while holding a huge sword aloft.  When the people of the city look up and shout 'save us,' Rorschach will whisper 'no' but Evgeni will whisper 'I am score.'

5.  Hold on to your pantyhose because it's coming!

I just love how they had to get the obligatory shirtless Taylor Lautner shot in.  That just makes the whole thing.  He's legal now, ladies.  Cougars of the world, rejoice!

4.  I don't like to admit that I laugh at other people's misfortunes because, generally, I don't.  Every once in a while though, I do.  Sometimes it just can't be helped.  Case in point:  Last week, I was having lunch in the Chase Building.  On my way back to my office, I noticed this Jersey Shore-style douchebag in the Chase Building's lobby on crutches.  Let me just say, I have a real problem with those Jersey Shore idiots....not so much because they're idiots but more because they've become the new face of the East Coast Italian-American community.  Being an East Coast Italian-American by birth, this fact is really annoying.  They make us look bad....really bad.  The Mafia makes us look better than these assholes.  How sad is it when the Mafia makes your heritage look better than a bunch of actual, real-life people?  I digress.  Let's get back to the Chase Bank douchebag.  Right, so, this douchebag was in the lobby on crutches.  Think of the gold medal winner of the douchebag Olympics.....but he's on crutches so he's the gold medal winner of the douchebag Special Olympics.  Got it?  Good.  So, this douchebag was hauling ass on his crutches through the lobby of the building.  I was looking at him and thinking "that douchebag is going WAAAY too fast on those crutches"......and then he totally wiped out.  He wiped out to an epic degree.  He had a full on arms and legs flailing, crutches flying everywhere, aviator sunglasses skidding across the floor wipe out.  A wipe out so spectacular and so profound, even his frost tips couldn't save him.  I literally had to sit down, I was laughing so hard.  I couldn't even help him.  I couldn't even ask him if he was alright.  I couldn't even move!  Normally, I would gasp in horror and scurry over to help but I just couldn't.  It was just too funny.  It's the sunglasses that did it.  His stupid sunglasses flew off his face and slid across the floor like something out of a movie.  It was truly satisfying hilarity.  That douchebag totally bit it and three-quarters of me totally rejoiced.  The German quarter, however, couldn't really be bothered.

3.  I'm not going to go on and on about this because I know it irritates the hell out of my sister (and a lot of other people, I'm sure), so I'll keep it short.  People ask me a lot why the hell I can be such a Sergio fan when he's such a choke artist and when someone like Tiger Woods is alive.  Here, watch the first part of this.  Okay, you can watch the whole thing if you want but the only part I'm concerned with right now is the first shot they show:

THAT'S how.  I know all manner of golfers can do that kind of thing but whatever.  The first time I ever saw Sergio, he pulled off a trick shot.  It was in 1999 at Medinah and he was 19 and his ball was wedged up against a tree.  He hit a brilliant trick shot.  The love affair began there....so, obviously, any trick shot he pulls off makes me swoon.  Plus, when he pulls off something like that, he flashes the BEST smiles and, really, those smiles are a lot of why I get out of bed most days.  ;o)  Ha!

2.  Despite my endless irritating ramblings about Sergio and Ian, the first golfer I ever loved was Jim Furyk.  While it's often more rewarding than being a Sergio fan, Furyk fans don't get a ton of highlights these days.  He hasn't won in a long while.  Well, he won Tiger's event last year but that's not PGA sanctioned so, technically, it doesn't really count. However, tadah!

Yeah!  Check out Jim Furyk with that trophy!  Totally sweet.  If you're a golf fan then you know that there are few on the course more deserving than Jim Furyk.  The added bonus to Jim Furyk is that his caddie, familiarly known as Fluff, totally looks like Wilford Brimley.  Every time I see him, I wonder if he's telling Jim Furyk how he can get his "diabeetus" supplies delivered right to his home.

1.  When he was in high school, my brother's best friend was Derek.  Over the years, that friendship has kind of waned but the rest of us in my family have kind of held on to Derek nonetheless.  He was an Usher at my wedding.  He's just an adopted member of the family, period.  Derek is one of the most cynical people I know.  I don't mean that in a negative way either.  It's just how he is.  He's a master debater.  Sometimes I think he disagrees just for the debate, not because he actually disagrees.  For years and years, Derek swore up and down that he was never getting married.  I cannot tell you how many times he said that to me in his teens and early twenties.  I didn't believe him.  Turns out that I was right not to believe him because he met himself a great girl and he's getting married this May.  There are a lot of people who go great together but every once in a while you'll come across someone that was truly born to fit with another person.  To me, that's how Derek and Angie are.  They're perfect for each other.  Angie is gorgeous and smart and fun and built like a real woman......and she makes Derek very happy, which is really my only requirement.  My sister and I went to Angie's bridal shower earlier this month and, surprisingly, Derek was there.  I didn't expect him to be there and when I saw him there, I didn't expect him to stay for the whole shebang....but he did.  He stayed and he was totally into it.  It was the best thing ever.  He sat up in the front with Angie and opened gifts with her and every time they would open something that he obviously picked out, he would rejoice.  At one point, he held a deli meat slicer above his head like John Cusack did with the boom box in Say Anything.  He had a total giftgasm.  It was so funny.  Mr. I'm Never Getting Married at the bridal shower giggling and laughing and celebrating gifts.  LOVE IT.

As a side note, the shower was at the Willowbrook Ballroom on a Sunday afternoon.  Apparently, Sunday afternoons are the time when really old people get dressed up to the nines and go dance at the Willowbrook Ballroom.  We were in a smaller room off to the side but the main ballroom was filled with old ladies in prom dresses with sequins and gloves and feathers in their hair escorted by old men in three piece suits and shiny shoes.....and they were all out on the dance floor cutting a rug.  It was SO cool.  I want to go there next Sunday just to sit and watch...

So, that's March.  Like I said, it was a giggly month....which is cool because I love to laugh.  It my inner Elizabeth Bennett.  Here's to hoping the laughs keep coming.  :o)

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