"We've got wings." "We've got feet too."
Fall is in the air, people. Fall is in the air. I think summer is officially gone. It better be. My pool is covered. Watch now. It'll be 90 degrees next week just to mess with me. That's just how my life runs. Alright then, let's be on with it...
10. I've got a secret. I can't tell you what it is yet. I can probably tell you next month but I can't tell you now. It'll totally take the air out of somebody else's balloon if I tell you now so I can't tell you now......but I will soon. Despite the temporary vow of silence, it's a good one. You'll see. :o)
9. Okay, so, when my Gram passed away, she left me a bit of coin. Not a huge fortune, but a bit. I've been smart and responsible with about 98% of the money. However, with some of the 2% that I've been silly with, I bought some iPads. Two, specifically. One for me and one for Joe. Okay, let me just tell you.....funnest toy ever. That's what it is. A toy. They try to sell you on the whole "iPad is totally productive!" thing. Yeah, no it's not. It's a toy. A completely awesome toy. (Oh, and to that Kindle marketing asshole who came up with the idea that you can't read your iPad in direct sunlight? Yes you can, asshat. I do it every day.) My iPad is the shit. I watch movies and TV, I play games, I do my football picks from the comfort of my couch, I read books, I do crosswords, I watch "Wake Up Kitty" on YouTube endlessly. Awesome.
8. I like to do surprises for people. Things they don't see coming. Around Labor Day, my friend Yvonne had a birthday. Let me preclude this by saying that I find Yvonne's reactions to things amazingly enjoyable. She's one of my favorite people to surprise because the way she reacts is just hilarious. She's got a very expressioned face and even when you just tell her a random thing like "oh, I found new shoes on sale last Tuesday," she'll make a face that garners a giggle. When she's really charged up about something, look out! She's awesome. Anyway, she had a birthday Labor Day weekend. As is standard, she and her husband had people at the house. Unbeknownst to Yvonne, I put myself in charge of the birthday cake. I went to Creative Cakes (if you're anywhere in or around the Southwest suburbs of Chicago, you really MUST try this place. Absolutely divine.) and ordered a carrot cake with cream cheese filling and buttercream frosting. Yvonne loves her some carrot cake so, you know, win. However, I had the artists at Creative Cakes put this on the cake:
We're big Truebies, Yvonne and I. What better for a Truebie than a True Blood-themed birthday cake? I knew she'd like it. I didn't know she'd have an out of body experience when she saw it. It was too funny. She opened the box and then screamed and ran in place. She ran something akin to the Boston Marathon completely in place in her kitchen in like four seconds, shrieking the whole way. She may have even been on the cusp of weeping. Epic birthday cake win.
7. So, there's this kid in Washington State somewhere who has Down's Syndrome and plays on his high school football team. He shows up to practice every day and he works his ass off and he does the best he can do. That in and of itself is pretty awesome. It gets better though. At his team's last game, they were getting totally obliterated. Shut out, actually, 35 to 0. At halftime, both teams and coaches got together and organized a little scenario whereas this kid could run the last play of the game. I've watched this video about a billion times. It gets better every time. Oh, and they call the play that the kid runs the "Ike Special." That makes it extra awesome. Here, watch:
How awesome. How refreshingly selfless and awesome. I love how they're throwing half-assed tackles and diving misses in and stuff just so that Ike really feels like he's beating them all. How great for him. It had no impact on the game but it probably gave that kid the thrill of a lifetime. Nice to know there's still some people in the world who aren't complete assholes.
6. Jim Furyk won the FedEx Cup. If you don't know what that is, Google it because it'll take me too long to explain and will just be tedious for the people who do know. Anyway, he totally won it. He got disqualified from the first playoff event over some stupid bullshit that was completely unfair (a trend that seems to be the PGA's calling card this year) and still managed to win the final playoff, giving him the entire Cup and an extra $10 million.
Here's the thing about Jim Furyk. He's not this super passionate dude. At least, not outwardly. He's just a quiet guy who goes about his business. He's very regular Joe-ish. When he goes to Steelers games, he sits with the fans, not up in skyboxes with the other rich cats. He's just, you know, like your dad or something. When he won the FedEx Cup, he was all fist pumpy and charged up and getting choked up about how awesome his family is. Jim Furyk doesn't get a lot of glory. He should, but he doesn't. This year, however, my boy Jimmy's getting the glory. Plus, his caddie looks like the "diabeetus" guy, Wilford Brimley.....and that's just an epic win.
Fluff Cowan.....holds your flags, carries your clubs, helps you read putts, and sees to it that your diabeetus supplies are delivered right to your door.
5. Oh yeah? Well, watch this!
I love how he jumps over that last guy right in front of the end zone. He's so close, he can taste it and then here comes this dude with his tackle attempt and Hester's like "NOT AGAIN!" And you know what the best part is? He did it to the Packers. Fuck yeah.
4. I saw Ricky Gervais. Last night. The very last night of the month, so it makes the list. He was at the Chicago Theater and I was there and they totally taped the show for HBO. It'll air on December 18th. You should watch and look for me. They did lots of crowd shots. Let me just tell you, I almost had a heart attack laughing at that show. The show started with Louis CK doing this kind of "won't you help?" video asking for help with the semen shortage in the UK. He said that there's a jizz drought because Ricky Gervais is eating it all. He called Ricky Gervais a "cum pig." I almost died. Ricky also did this bit where he read this book that he got in Catechism back in 1965. The book was the story of Noah and the Arc and it was just painfully funny. For some reason, whoever illustrated the book used kindergarten drawing techniques and a collection of Crayola markers. Noah looked like the Narcoleptic Argentinian from Moulin Rouge. Super duper mondo mega funny. I laughed until it hurt....a lot.
3. I'm not going to get into this one really deeply because, truly, there's not a lot to say about it. I could say a lot about it, but it's not necessary. I'll keep it brief. Two weeks ago, the New York Jets beat the New England Patriots. Soundly. Tom Brady is a Beiber-haired douchebag and the Jets beat him. Your argument is invalid.
2. As I did last year, I tottled my chubby self down to Cog Hill for the BMW Championships and watched some of my beloveds knock a golf ball around. Unfortunately, there was no Sergio this year. I cannot tell you the depths of my disappointment. Sergio is taking a break from golf because he hates it. So, no Sergio for me. Sigh. Better a break than quitting. Nevertheless, most of the rest of my boys were there and I got to see them and it was awesome. In addition, look!
That's my hat......and it's got names on! Specifically, Rory McIlroy, Paul Casey, and Ian Poulter. They signed my hat. MY hat. Weeeeee! :o)
1. In the process of getting the above hat signed, I was afforded the opportunity to chat with the players. First, there was Rory McIlroy. I had my sister with me that day and she's totally in love with Rory McIlroy. She wants to have like ten million of his babies. She loves him. He came over and signed the hat and chatted a bit in his little Irish brogue and I thought Mary was going to just pass right the hell out. She was all cool and calm and then he walked away and she swooned. It was pretty cute. Then, there was Paul Casey. Okay, let me just say this: Paul Casey is really cute on TV. I see him play on TV and I'm always like "boy, he's pretty cute." He's just a nice looking little English bloke with a fantastic smile and an ass you kind of want to eat ice cream off of. He is, by comparison, about eight billion times more attractive in person. I was stunned. I was standing less than a foot away from him and I couldn't form words immediately. He had his hat on backwards and he smiled and was just chatty and friendly and I was tripping all over my own tongue. He is, in a word, GORGEOUS. He's got these super blue eyes and this heart stopping smile and a body that is just, well, yeah. He's kind of like Tom Cruise, but good looking and not a douchebag. Right, so, he comes over to the crowd of us and he's chatting away and he's signing my hat and he and I had a little chat about how nice his shirt was (he was wearing this really great shirt. It was a black golf shit with really thin white and kelly green stripes. It was really sharp.). I was lightheaded when it was over. I almost needed to sit down. Then Ian Poulter came. Just wow. He's just....wow. Ian Poulter is so fucking snazzy that it radiates off of him in waves. You could literally tan in the glow of his snazz. I mean, he's a nice looking dude and all. He's something of a babe....but it's not that. It's just how he is. He just oozes confidence. The man had three wardrobe changes on course in one round. His fucking golf bag was coordinated with his outfit. He walks around the golf course like "I'm the snazziest bitch you're ever going to see." And he's right. He IS the snazziest bitch you're ever going to see. I followed his group around most of the day. I was wearing a bright orange sundress. I didn't want tan lines and my orange sundress is strapless so bingo. Right, so, Ian comes and he's doing the autograph thing and he comes to me and says "oh, hello! You were following our group around today. Hard to miss you in that frock. I love the bright color! Well done you!" I died. I died right there. I am no fashion plate, alright? I mean, I'm not a fashion miscreant but I'm usually more concerned with being comfortable than being up to the minute. I like bright colors and I like to not have tan lines so an orange sundress didn't seem like anything special to me. It just seemed kind of run of the mill. Ian Poulter, however, gave my fashion choice a complement. The snazziest bitch you're ever going to see complimented my sundress. I'm not even going to get into the cornucopia of delight that is his use of the word "frock". He noticed me and he gave me a compliment and he signed my hat. Again, your argument is invalid.
So, that's it, my puppies. I know some of you are going to harass me about the secret I'm keeping but I'm telling you right now, I'm not telling. It wouldn't be fair of me to tell. I have to wait to get the green light and then I'll tell.....so you'll just have to be patient. That's pretty much it for now then. I'm out like trout!