October 2010

Cat.  I'm a kitty cat.  And I dance, dance, dance.  And I dance, dance, dance.



I'm surprisingly surprised at how much harassment I didn't get about that whole secret thing.  Either you guys are really good or nobody is actually reading this thing.  I don't know.  People used to read it.  Maybe I'm lame now.  Maybe I've always been lame and I'm just now realizing it.  Anything's possible.  That being said, let's explore the possibility of Ten Happy Things!

10.  Despite my rabid sports fan-ness, I'm not much into basketball.  I used to be when I was a kid.  I was a pretty devoted Celtics fan and I watched a lot of Bulls games in the 90s because I live in Chicago and you just couldn't get away from the damn Bulls no matter what you did.  When Larry Bird stopped playing, and then stopped coaching, I kind of lost interest.  Basketball has degenerated, in my opinion.  It used to be a team sport.  Now it just seems like five thugs on a basketball court vying for the spotlight.  There are exceptions to this rule (like the Celtics that won the Championship two years ago) but basketball overall has really lost its appeal with me.  That being said, I'm still aware enough of the NBA to know about that whole LeBron James-Dwayne Wade-Chris Bosh-Miami Heat thing and, in turn, be appropriately disgusted by it.  Have you seen that new LeBron commercial for Nike with that whole "what should I do?" bullshit?  You should shut the hell up and play basketball, that's what you should do.  Sorry.  Tangent.  Anyway, the Heat debuted their prized triumvirate of supposedly inevitable basketball dominance last night in the season opener......and then the Heat promptly lost to the Celtics 88-80.  I watched the last quarter of the game.  Never have I been more proud to have once been a Celtics fan.

9.  I just have to say this, and it's probably a given, but that whole miners coming out of the hole in Chile thing was pretty epic.  The whole project went off without a hitch, which is pretty amazing considering the circumstances.  Well, I won't say "without a hitch."  There was the guy who got found out by his wife.  Cheating miners.  Sigh.  The actual rescue project, however, went off without a hitch.  The best part for me was the Oakleys though.  You have to love Oakley and their dedication to product placement.  After spending all that time down in a dark cavern, the miners' eyes couldn't really handle the sunlight so Oakley, being the servants to philanthropy that they are, stepped in and were like "we got this!  We TOTALLY got this!!!!"  Every miner that came out of that hole looked harried and exhausted.....and totally ready for whatever sunlight could be lurking around because every one of them was fitted with cool guy Oakleys.  It was too funny.

Only in Latin America could a miner look this cool getting rescued.  Trapped miners in West Virginia could not pull this look off.  Oakley - the Official Sunglass Provider of the Chilean Miner Rescue!

On a serious note, though, God bless.  Truly.

8.  ESPN Magazine does this thing where they do an issue with photos of naked athletes.  It's not like porn or anything.  You don't get all the naughty bits.  I think it's more designed to show off the beauty of certain athletic physiques.  Nine times out of ten, they kind of hit a home run with this.  I mean, the photo of Evan Lysecek took my breath away and it not like I normally drool over the man.  The shot of Tim Howard (the goalie from the US Soccer Team that went to the World Cup) knocked me out too.  As a sidenote, I'm not going to discuss the cover shot featuring 0% body fat Columbian golfer, Camilo Villegas, in his Spiderman pose.  I didn't know if I wanted to stare or run away.  Anyway, there's that magazine and there's naked people and they're all beautiful.  The entitle the feature "Bodies We Want."  Okay, solid.  Bodies we want.  So, I'm going through the pictures and staring in impressed wonder.....and then I came across this:

There's just so much to say.  I don't even know where to start.  That specimen is Steven Holcomb, the driver from the US Olympic Four-Man bobsled team.  They rock.  They got a medal.  I don't remember what color but I know they got one, which is kind of an accomplishment because Americans don't usually do awesome at that event.  Now that I'm thinking about it, they may have won the gold medal.  I think they did.  I digress.  Here's the thing, though.....unless you're a bobsledder, you don't want that body.  I mean, don't get me wrong.....I certainly would NOT kick that man out of bed for eating crackers.  I think he looks great.  I like me a meaty man and he's got it all.  It's just that compared to the other bodies featured, he looks ridiculous.  And it's not just because he's a short pudgy naked man.  It's more because of the picture itself.  His face is fucking hilarious.  He's like Strong Naked Man in the Prairie.  His face is all "yes, I am naked in this prairie.  I am the most naked man in this prairie.  Try to deny me.  Just try it."  Personally, I think this is greatest thing of all time.  I want to get it blown up to poster sized and framed so I can hang it in my house in a prominent location.  And can you imagine the Bear community with this?  Oh wow.  No, I don't mean like grizzly bears. I mean gay guys who like husky men (for example, Kevin Smith is a sex symbol among these particular gay men).  I bet you the Bear lovers were just going insane for this.  Oh, that makes it better!  

7.  This really doesn't need an introduction...

I don't care if you hate the Packers or you hate the Vikings or you hate Brett Favre or you think that really is his unimpressive penis in those text pictures, that's just some impressive shit right there.  The man threw his 500th career touchdown at 41 years old.  If you're like me and you love Brett Favre, tell me you didn't well up a little?  Come on.  You know you did.

6.  If you, like me, have a bit of a dorky geek streak in you, this is probably the greatest thing you will ever see:

Those two are such dorks.  I fucking love it.

5.  Okay, so, there's this new Italian kid that plays golf.  He's not new persay.  He's 17.  That's not exactly new.  If you watch golf at all, you might remember him.  I've even brought him up before.  He's the kid who played in the group with Sergio Garcia and Tom Watson at the British Open that Tom Watson almost won a year ago or so.  Mateo Manassero.  I think I might have written something about how awesome I thought it was that he was 16 and playing the British Open and getting shot advice from Sergio and complements from Tom Watson.  Yeah, well, anyway, he's 17 now and he's awesome and he just got his first professional win.  He won the Castello Masters, the tournament that Sergio hosts at his home course in Spain.  You know, the one with the crazy trophy that looks like a coffee bean head guy?  You know what I'm talking about.  Here, look:

Goofy little Italian kid and his goofy little trophy.  I friggin' love it.  Italians have been making a name for themselves in golf lately.  This pleases me.  It particularly pleases me in this instance because this kid's win kind of made up for the fact that it was Sergio's first tournament back after his two-month break.....and it was Sergio's tournament he hosts on his home course that he grew up playing on.....and he missed the fucking cut. That damn Spaniard is going to be the death of me.  

4.  I'm not going to sugar coat this one.  I'm just going to say it.  The Yankees totally lost in the playoffs.  They did not make it to the World Series.  They lost to Texas.  That's not even the best part though.  The best part is that the final out that made them lose was A-Rod striking out looking with men on base......against Texas!  Texas - the team he ditched because he wanted a ring.  The team that he screwed that was the only team willing to give him the ridiculous rookie contract he wanted.  He struck out looking with men in scoring position to a pitcher on the Texas Rangers.  I did a dance when I saw it.  Literally.  These are the things that happen to you when you're a classless cheating douchebag, A-Rod.  These are the things that happen to you.

3.  Because I am not interested in Topher the Beagle Giver giving me endless amounts of shit about how I'm "unAmerican" and "un-Patriotic" and whatnot because I root for the players I love over the players I don't, I'm not going to gush about this too much.  I'm just going to say atta boys, my boys.  Atta boys.

I kind of feel bad for Jim Furyk, the lone guy on the American team that I really love but he won the FedEx Cup this year, giving him an extra $10 million, so I can't really feel all THAT bad for him.  I do, however, feel bad for poor Hunter Mahan who totally shit all over himself on the last hole, giving Graeme McDowell the open door for the win.  The poor guy was in tears.  It was kind of heartbreaking.  On the flip side, Sergio was there as a vice captain and he was all charged up and jumping around and being the exuberant nut he usually is and it was so great to see.  He's been such a mope.  It was nice to see him being his normal self.  The only downside was the complete and utter lack of Paul Casey.  He should have been there.  He deserved to be there.  Colin Montgomerie is just an idiot.  Thankfully, it worked out for him.

2.  Number Two goes out to my Jimmy in Kitty Heaven.  I've had a lot of cats in my lifetime but Jimmy was easily one of, if not the, best.  He was always hilarious and always a lover and always a good boy.  He brought me some manner of joy every day for the eight years I had him.  Joe and I will miss you, Jimmy James.  You were a superb pet.  Superb.  

  

Unrelated to Jimmy but totally speaking of pets, tell me this isn't the best thing ever:

God, I love my Beagle.  :o)

1.  The big reveal!  

Operation Repregnate was a success!  Reproduction Version 2.0!  This picture is about a month old so I'm sure it looks different now but if you look at the scan and kind of tilt your head to your right, it totally looks like I'm pregnant with Pac Man.  I'll tell you, I'm hungry enough that I FEEL like I'm pregnant with Pac Man.  Either way, in about six and a half months (God willing), I will produce spawn.  If the child comes out round and yellow, well, I have no explanation.  I'll give you the quick run through just to save time.  May 15th, I don't know yet but I'll find out in a couple of months, a lot at first but now only a little in the morning, tired a lot but mostly pretty okay, we haven't decided yet, and ham sandwiches.  I'll keep you posted.

There you go.  See?  I told you the secret was kind of a good one.  I've got a lot going on in November so next month's list should be chock full.  I guess they're always kind of chock full but November includes my birthday, and a trip to Vegas, and Thanksgiving, and hopefully cake so, you know, it'll be some new stuff.  Until then, I bid you happy trails.  :o)