July 2010

Sweet darlin', you can leave your hat on...


Can you believe this weather lately?  This has been the worst summer ever.  We're totally paying for the nice, cool summer we had last year in spades.  It's been Zimbabwe hot and Singapore humid.  Even on the days that it's not 8 billion degrees Kelvin, the humidity and dew points are so out of control, I can hardly breathe.  This is EXACTLY why Ten Happy Things exists.  This blog was born in the infernos of summer and continues on through Kiln Life 2010.  ;o)  That being said, let's be on with it before I melt...


10.  This is on here for no other reason than it totally cracked me up.  I was looking over some photos taken at this year's British Open and I came across this gem:

What the hell is he doing?  Okay, I guess that's not fair.  I know what he's doing.  He's trying to climb over that rock wall.  Nevertheless, this picture made me chuckle for a good solid week.  What timing on the part of the photographer.  I can see the captions now.  "Sergio Garcia doing his best impression of a dog peeing on a wall."  "Sergio Garcia putting way too much effort into hurtling this obstacle."  "Sergio Garcia lifting his leg about two feet higher than one would need to in order to clear this two-foot wall."  I think the actual caption provided by Getty Images with the photo was "Sergio Garcia of Spain jumps over a rock wall during the second round of the 139th Open Championship on the Old Course at St. Andrews."  Um, sorry, but he's not jumping.  I'm not entirely sure what tactic he's trying to employ here but it's certainly NOT jumping.  I've seen Sergio jump.  It doesn't look anything like this.  This, however, is wicked funny to me.  It's probably not to you but, you know, I'm prepared to deal with that.

9.  Attention fellow geeks who are children of the late 70s and early 80s!  Behold!


  Yeah, you know what?  I just filled the cup.

8.  Friday night, I went to see The Dan Band.  For those of you who don't know who The Dan Band are (and are much to lazy to follow the link I so deftly supplied to you), they're this utterly ridiculous cover band that is kind of like the funniest guy you know doing karaoke.  You've seen them in Old School, Starsky & Hutch, and The Hangover.  You know the wedding band doing that f-bomb laden version of Total Eclipse of the Heart in Old School?  Or that idiot white guy wedding singer singing "I'll take you to the candy shop" at the end of The Hangover?  That's The Dan Band.  Lead singer, Dan Finnerty, and two very geeky looking backup singer/dancers get onstage and do renditions of songs popularized by women.  Think three white dudes doing Beyonce's Single Ladies, complete with the accompanying dance.  HILARIOUS.  Anyway, they were performing at the House of Blues downtown so a group of us went.  People, I cannot express to you how funny this show was.  They had choreography and lighting effects and all manner of whathaveyou and it was great.  And, of course, they did Total Eclipse of the Heart and, of course, I lost it laughing when Dan was all "once upon a time, I was falling in love.  Now I'm fucking falling apart."  I don't know why but that bit kills me every time.  If The Dan Band is coming to your town, give them a go.  The show is entertaining, you'll know all the songs, and the tickets are like $20.  GREAT time!

7.  My mom is 55 years old.  She didn't have a 50th birthday party so she threw herself a 55th.  Being that she was born in 1955, she called this party her "Platinum Birthday Party."  She's playing off the concept of having a golden birthday which is the birthday you turn the same number of years as the day you're born on.  Like, I'm born on November 3rd so my golden birthday was when I turned three.  Get it?  Yeah, you get it.  I think she just wanted an excuse to have a party and she made this shit up.  Fine with me.  I like a good party.  Most of my family from New York was invited but only one came, my cousin Alicia.  It was a blast having her here.  She's 22....and man can she party like a 22 year old.  I don't know how I kept up, honestly.  I went to bed with the sunrise two days in a row.  I did numerous Irish Car Bombs, an experience I regretted to the nth degree the next day.  I laughed until it hurt. I also drank until it hurt but I don't really want to talk about that.  Being that Alicia's never been to Chicago, we did the obligatory tourist thing downtown.  Like most major cities that attract tourists, when you live there, you tend to not do the tourist thing.  You'd be amazed at how many New Yorkers have never been to the top of the Empire State Building or to the Statue of Liberty.  It's totally like that in Chicago too.  We did one of those double-decker bus tours and went all over the city doing touristy things.  We saw "The Bean" in Millennium Park.  We saw the Lakefront and the Museum Campus and Navy Pier and Soldier Field.  We went to the top of the Sears Tower (which was an experience in and of itself.  There were a ton of Amish people there, which was just the funniest thing in the world to me.  They were all carrying babies because they don't believe in strollers....but they were up in the tallest building in the country.  I mean, you'd think the elevator ride alone would blow their friggin' minds).  We ate Chicago deep dish pizza, which made Alicia make a face of taste bud joy that cracked me right the hell up.  It was just an all-around good time.  I'm downtown for work every single day so to be able to come down here and have a day that's just fun is kind of a novelty for me.  Plus, Alicia had a super good time and that was really the whole point.

6.  Speaking of my mom's party, let me just tell you, it was an alcohol extravaganza.  We got so hammered.  I mean, hammered to a point where I could legitimately say that I was way too old to be as drunk as I was.  That wasn't the good part though.  The good part was my brother, Lewis.  I was drunk.  He was inebriated.  It was HYSTERICAL.  He's the funniest drunk ever.  He says ridiculous things and he stumbles all around and he never remembers what the hell he said.  At one point, we were all talking about something to do with sex or blowjobs or something and he put his arm around me and said to me all heartfelt, "I'm so glad I can talk to you about these things."  I was like "dude, we're not bearing our souls here.  We're talking about head."  Hilarious.  He even had one of those moments where he was getting carried around by one of his buddies while saying "I love you, man.  I really love you."  Derek was so funny about it.  He was like "yeah, I know, you love me.  Now sit down in this chair."  This happens a lot with family parties at my parents' restaurant.  We somehow always migrate from the banquet room into the bar and then drink until we're retarded beyond comprehension.  My parents laugh their asses off at us.  It was super fun.

5.  I love my pool.  It's cool and it's clean and it comes with lots of things to float on and I love it.  It's been so ungodly hot this summer and my pool has been such a salvation.  If it weren't a pool, I might offer to bear the fruit of its loins.  Unfortunately, it's a chlorinated body of water so it doesn't really have any loins or any fruit to speak of.  It's pretty kickass though.

4.  In Plant City, Florida, there is a 13-year old kid who plays Little League.  This kid has been named the number one best Little League pitcher in the country.  The kid is a knuckleballer, throws a fastball in the 60s, is undefeated over four consecutive seasons, has a handful of perfect games, and is feared by every other kid that picks up a bat.  Batters have been known to walk away from the plate in tears because they simply cannot figure out the pitches coming at them.  That's awesome in and of itself.  The thing that makes me overjoyed about it, though, is the fact that this pitcher is a GIRL and she's playing in a League with nothing but boys.  She's the only girl and she's kicking some serious ass.  She makes boys cry.  She makes them quake with fear.  She's all pony tails and nail polish and pink shirts with sparkles and she just mutilates these boys on the diamond.  Her name is Chelsea Brown and she's my new hero.  There are players and parents who rail on this girl because she's so good and because she won't play softball with the rest of the girls.  It doesn't phase her.  She takes that negativity and turns it into motivation.  I wouldn't be surprised to see her in the MLB one day.  Should that ever happen, I don't care what team she's on, I'll be a fan.  Even if she plays for the Yankees, I'll root for her.  Check her story out.  It's pretty damn cool.  GIRLS RULE AND BOYS DROOL!!!!  

Chelsea Brown's Story

3.  You remember last year when I was telling you about how I got a shirt made with Sergio Garcia's logo on it for my trip to the BMW Championships to watch him play?  The point of the thing was that you can't go out and buy Sergio Garcia emblazoned golf apparel like you can with Tiger Woods.  Getting a hat with the Tiger logo on it is easy as pie but Sergio, not so much.  Until now.  Behold!

To paraphrase the mighty US Marine Corps, this is my Sergio hat.  There are many others like it, but this one is mine.  My Sergio hat is my best hat.  It is my head cover.  I must wear it as it must wear me.  My Sergio hat, without me, is useless.  Without my Sergio hat, I am useless.  I must wear my Sergio hat true.  I must wear it straighter than my enemy who is wearing a Tiger Woods hat.  I must dehat him before he dehats me.  My Sergio hat and myself know that what counts in golf is not the drives we hit, the noise of our ball striking, nor the bunker shots we make.  We know that it is the putts that count.  My Sergio hat is human, even as I, because it is MY Sergio hat.  Thus, I will learn it as a brother.  I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its brim, and its flexifit band.  I will ever guard it against the ravages of weather and damage as I will ever guard my legs, my arms, my eyes, my heart against damage.  I will keep my Sergio hat clean and ready.  We will become a part of each other.  Before God, I swear this creed.  My Sergio hat and myself are the defenders of my head.  We are the masters of our enemies in Tiger Woods hats.  We are the saviors of my otherwise sunburnt scalp.  So be it, until victory is Sergio's and there is no critic left that says he will never win a major.

2.  Hey, fellow "Trubies", how awesome is Franklin Mott?  Right?  I know!  This season of True Blood (by far, my most favorite television show EVER) has introduced some new characters to the mix.  The best, hands down, is Franklin Mott who is played expertly by James Frain.  Those of you who, like me, were sucked into The Tudors on Showtime for the past few years know James Frain.  He played Cromwell.  He's been in a bunch of other stuff as well.  Here, take a look if you're curious.  He's this skinny, kind of goofy looking British dude that has a kind of raw sexiness to him that I can't quite pin down.  Nevertheless, he plays Franklin Mott and he's so deliciously twisted, I can't even begin to accurately describe it.  Every scene he's in oscillates between being hilariously ridiculous and utterly disturbing.  Here, this is a compilation of Franklin bits from Episode 5:


See?  He's so fun.  That whole thing with the texting nearly killed me.  "Love you....."  Oh, good grief, what an awesome freak of nature.  In one episode, he was able to launch himself into my top five favorite television characters to watch of all time.  If you don't watch this show, you should really watch this show.  Trust me.

1.  I think I've mentioned more than once over the life of Ten Happy Things how much I love to laugh.  I revel in funny things.  I'm an almost eternally nervous person.  I'm a lot better about it than I used to be but I spend most of my awake time fairly tense.  I've been this way all my life.  Personally, I think it's the result of too much life-altering change as a child....but I'm not here to psychobabble you all to death.  I was just kind of framing the picture.  Laughing is a tremendous release for me.  It's like putting that number into the computer on Lost that keeps the hatch from blowing up.  A good laugh for me is like hitting a kind of reset button that releases the built up tension so I don't start to vibrate and then, eventually, explode.  Yes, I know that makes me sound insane.  That being said, I tend to greatly value people in my life that can make me laugh on a consistent basis.  I don't think they truly realize what they're doing for me in that regard but I appreciate the hell out of them for it nonetheless.  There are three particular people in my life that are probably the gold, silver, and bronze medal winners in the Make Mer Laugh Olympics and they are truly invaluable to me.  (Technically, there's four in that group but the fourth is a dog as opposed to a person and it's not like he tries to be hilarious.  He just can't help it.  Plus, if I gave him a medal for something, he'd probably just try to eat it.)  One of these people is a blood relative, another I'm married to, and the other it just seems like I'm married to most of the time even though I'm not.  They make me laugh every single day, most times several times a day, and I love them for it.  That lot saves my life.  They may not know it, but they do.....and if saving my life isn't something to be happy about, I don't know what is.  :o)


So, there's that.  I hope the rest of you are finding adequate ways to deal with the weather.  If not, my pool's open and the water is lovely!  Until next month, my fantastic freaks!